The Riddle of the Cat
by jacksparrowlovesme
Summary: Edward Nygma can puzzle out anything... Except Gotham City's most notable Feline. Contains Smut.
1. Chapter 1

**THE RIDDLE OF THE CAT**

**Disclaimer: *pulls receipts from purse* I own nothing! **

The crack of a whip broke the moonlit silence of Gotham City's museum district. It was followed by a grunt, a shriek, and the crunch of a broken nose. Catwoman was on the prowl.

Selina Kyle finished off the would-be mugger with a roundhouse kick to the side of the head. Looking down at the now unconscious man, she grinned, as, with a big twist of irony, she dug through his pockets and fished out his wallet. "Meow." She purred. With that, she stuffed several dollar denominations into the pouch at her side, and scaled the roof of the Gotham Museum of Art. The museum was featuring a large exhibit of Egyptian cat _ushabtis_, which piqued her interest in cats, art, and thievery.

She used the nails on her gloves to cut a hole in the glass rooftop dome, and then used the tiny suction cups on her fingertips to pull the cut oval out and drop it on the roof. Adjusting her goggles, she jumped onto the ceiling high gargoyles that littered Gotham's buildings inside and out.

"_The curator knows me too well._" She thought, as she scanned the room for new security features. Truly every trip to the Gotham Museum district was becoming a bigger challenge. Oh well. The more worth the prize at the end for the trouble. She noticed that not only were there laser sensor grids, but the case itself featured an alarm, set off by touch.

She descended gracefully from the stone relic by way of her whip, and began to cartwheel, flip and slide her way across the room, while keeping an ear out for guards. Upon reaching the case, she managed to pry open the box on the case alarm, and was working on disabling the alarm without setting it off, when she heard an entirely unexpected noise.

A large _KABOOM _shook the museum. Selina whirled around, listening for voices, either from the source of the noise or the guards. Fairly confident that the noise had come from right outside the museum, and that the guards were now otherwise occupied, she gave up on the alarm and simply smashed the glass case to tiny shards. She grabbed the _ushabtis _like it was a three minute shopping spree and nimbly angled for the roof.

Once outside, she peeped down at the museum entrance. In place of the large statue of the three graces that had always stood outside, was a huge marble question mark. It was so large, in fact, that Selina couldn't think how it had gotten there short of an air drop from a plane. "I brought it up from the sewer." Spoke a voice from behind her, as if to answer the question she hadn't spoken aloud. She whipped around to see Edward Nygma standing behind her. His hands were in his pockets, his trademark cane lay on the ground beside him, and the look on his face was a comical mix of his trademark arrogance and something else…sheepishness, maybe? Selina had a mini mental flashback to that time in Rome, waking up from a seemingly bad dream to a real life nightmare with his lips on hers...

"I brought it up from the sewer." He repeated. "I blew up the old statue, and hoisted the new one up from under the street." His cheeks were slightly red now, as she continued staring at him, dumbfounded. He kept going, nervously "I wanted to leave a lasting impression on Gotham, since I have the um, greatest m-mind in the, uh, the city." He mumbled the last bit "They should keep something of all their greatest citizens in and around these museums. You, for instance." He turned to go. "I'll leave you to your business. Just thought a fellow rogue would like to hear the explanation of how I did it." With that, he loped away on long legs, picking up his cane on his way to the opposite end of the museum. She watched him go with wide, chartreuse eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the lovely review, Spy! Looking forward to more stories from ya! *looks at watch and taps foot* **

Chapter 2

Edward spent the next few nights holed up in an apartment he had leased under the alias of Timothy Shaw. Here, he could wait out the Bat and the police until the heat died down. This gave him ample time to plan his next move. There was only one problem: He couldn't get his encounter with Selina out of his mind.

He had always prided himself on his intellectual abilities: his genius IQ, his powers of deduction, and his ability to read people and gauge their reactions, his impressive knowledge of movie trivia. But he couldn't read Selina. On that rooftop, he'd expected her to lash out at him, to yell and pout, to knock him down, even beat him up a little. Or a lot. But she had simply stood there, staring at him.

Leaning back into a well worn armchair, he pondered the incident in Rome. He'd betrayed, drugged, and made out with her, all in one go. But to be fair, he had betrayed everyone involved, so she couldn't really feel overly hurt; Fear gas, too, was a perfectly normal part of spending time around Jonathan Crane (He was bound to gas you at some point, regardless of situation. It was an occupational hazard. Edward was fairly certain that Crane had gassed himself at least once, though the former professor wouldn't dare admit it to anyone.); And Selina had kissed him, not the other way around. Granted she was hallucinating that he was the blasted Bat. But he was still a man, and impossibly beautiful women don't throw themselves at you every day, even with a fear induced drugging…

He turned his thoughts to their rooftop encounter again. The whole situation had just seemed so awkward! He'd stammered for the first time since childhood, and all the words just sounded so damned braggardly_._ If there was anything that the Riddler was known for, it was his bragging! Why did it sound so wrong?

She'd managed to surprise him. That had to be it. Selina Kyle was the last person he'd expected to see on that rooftop. Batman yes, GCPD maybe, her… No. He'd heard so little about her lately; he figured she'd finally left Gotham for greener pastures. London, Paris, maybe Metropolis. _'She really is just that good at what she does. I don't give her enough credit.' _He mused. He still couldn't figure out why he should feel so damn awkward. He was the Riddler for God's sake! Edward Nygma did not feel stupid or embarrassed EVER.

He closed his eyes momentarily, replaying that kiss in his mind. His imagination ran wild for a moment, briefly pretending that he hadn't drugged her with fear toxin, and she hadn't hallucinated that she was kissing Bruce Wayne. His eyes snapped open. He knew exactly what was wrong. But he sure as hell wasn't going to admit that to anyone. He smirked. '_The great Riddler, felled by a little kitty cat.'_

He grabbed a piece of paper and outlined his next scheme, confident he wouldn't be seeing her again.


	3. Chapter 3

**SpyVsTailor: That is my favorite line too! I kind of picture Jonathan Crane being like Seamus Finnegan from Harry Potter, just gassing himself and everyone around him with that same befuddled "Oops!" look on his face. Can't wait for your next one-shot!**

**JannaKalderash: He may have indeed jinxed himself. Quite terribly in fact. We'll just have to wait and see, won't we? :-D **

Chapter 3

One week after setting up a monument to his own ego, the Riddler found himself in a warehouse being chased by Batman. Again.

In Edward's defense, his scheme this time had been fairly simple, straightforward, and not at all dangerous. All he had wanted to do was distribute Riddler dolls to everyone in Gotham. He figured he'd run into some trouble with the Joker, toys being the demented prankster's territory, especially after seeing him hanging around the warehouse district. But the Clown Prince of Crime had been remarkably okay with the idea. He'd even asked for one of his own. Edward had reluctantly given him one, thinking he was being set up, but the Joker had simply handed the doll to Harley Quinn. She gushed over it as though it was the greatest thing the lunatic had ever given her. Then again, given the mercurial nature of their relationship, perhaps it was.

Of course, the illegal bit was that he'd stolen the dolls from the nearby "Playtyme" Warehouse. (It befuddled Eddie that a company who spelled their name wrong was the leading brand in educational toys for children.) Every doll stolen from them was a redressed army doll in a little green suit and bowler hat, all covered with question marks.

Hightailing his skinny body around the warehouse in gigantic circles, he was grateful that he'd made running his regular exercise regimen. He began to zigzag his way through the labyrinth of crates, eluding Batman with every step.

Unbeknownst to the Riddler, however, Batman had actually been perched in the rafters for the last twenty minutes of the chase, watching Edward frantically running around the building, flailing his arms like some lanky, lunatic muppet. He noted that the Riddler seemed a little off his game. Even the riddle he'd left him was fairly obvious: "A delight to Gotham's girls and boys, there's a little of me in all the toys!", which had been scrawled on the Playtyme door. (This was coincidentally right across the street from the building they were currently in.) _Is he even trying?_ Batman wondered to himself before easily overtaking the Riddler, tying him up, and driving him to the police station.

In the Batmobile, the Riddler squirmed and fidgeted, trying to break free of handcuffs and rope. Giving up, he glared at Batman petulantly. "So, Batbrains, are you going to tell me who tipped you off?" "Anonymous tip." Replied Batman. Edward sighed. _I knew the Joker was setting me up for something. I must be losing my touch._ But he knew it was no use to try and reason with Batman. He was taking him to jail either way.

Upon arrival at the police station, Edward could plainly see that it was not all business-as-usual tonight. The front doors had been blasted away and a thick fog-like smoke was pouring out of the building. A few chattering Joker teeth could be seen on the top stoop of the building. Batman pulled the car to a sudden halt. He clambered out and snarled "You stay here!" at the Riddler before slamming the door and locking the car. He stealthily crept up and into the building to takedown the Joker and his crew.

Edward tried anything and everything to get out of the car at that point. He found he couldn't break the glass or kick out the doors. He pushed a bunch of the buttons on the dashboard, to no avail. Suddenly, he saw a gray shadow pass by the Batmobile.

Catwoman's curiosity had gotten the best of her. She stared at the building, tempted to go in and help Batman out. She never had been fond of the Joker. She heard a strange tapping sound. She turned and looked closer at the Batmobile. Edward Nygma was trapped inside, both hands pressed to the glass, and a sad, puppy dog look on his face, pleading for help.

Selina stood there for a moment, contemplating leaving him there for Batman to deal with, as payback for the botched heist from last week and for the betrayal and drugged kiss in Rome. But, unbidden from somewhere in the deep reaches of her mind, came an image of him dressed in her catsuit. She touched a finger to her lips and grinned playfully.

Walking over to the drivers' side, she drummed her fingers on the windshield for a moment, then leaned over and pointed to a little button on the steering wheel. He looked at it eagerly, then scooted over into the drivers' seat and jabbed at it. She laughed for a moment, watching him fly, shrieking, through the air, before Riddler shaped disaster dropped from the sky. Edward had not been strapped into the seat. He'd gone eight feet in the air before he fell off the bucket seat and landed right on Catwoman.

Bodies pushed together, faces inches apart, their eyes locked together. Selina reached up as if to stroke his face, then pushed him off of her, and stood up. Edward scrambled up as well, face as red as his hair. "S-Sorry. No instructions on that thing." He gasped. Using her claws, Selina cut the rope off of him. "No time for apologies. He'll be back soon." Without thinking, she pulled Edward tight to her, and lashed upwards with her whip, swinging them up and away over the rooftops to safety.


	4. Chapter 4

**JannaKalderash- It's like you're reading my mind! She is definitely going to put our Eddie through absolute hell, but it'll be worth it in the end! (Maybe… ;-) )**

**SpyVsTailor- I get a Michelle Pfeiffer complex going when I write chapters. To me, she IS Catwoman, always will be. (And btw, I'm completely hooked on your one-shots. Absolute perfection, each and every one.)**

**Esmeralda Smith- Haunting, maybe. Hilarious, YES! I would probably enjoy it less if it were a recurring theme, because that would lose its novelty, but as a one-shot drawing… God, I love it. I love it so much; I'm tempted to devote an entire chapter to merely discussing him wearing it. Tempted…**

Chapter 4

Selina worked her way up a fire escape with Edward in tow. On the fifth floor landing of the old apartment building she made a sudden stop, ears pricked for noises. "What-" Edward whispered, but she reached back and pressed a gloved finger to his lips. Quickly, she turned and cut a hole in the window pane of the dark, empty apartment with her sharp nails, and then she reached in and opened the window. She let herself and Edward inside, and no sooner hand she shut the window then she saw the Batmobile turn the corner around the building.

"Get down!" she hissed. They both dropped to the floor under the window facing each other. "You will have to explain to me sometime what exactly it is that you see in that dense brute." He muttered. "The usual," she replied "rich, good in bed, et cetera."

_That's it?_ He thought idly, as Catwoman shifted more comfortably on the dark floor in front of him. He eyed her for a moment. He could certainly see what Bruce Wayne saw in *her.* Long, dark hair, big green eyes and pouty red lips, the hourglass shape to her waist and hips that begged for arms to encircle them, long legs that simply didn't quit, and breasts that he could only imagine would be the holy grail of every horny man in Gotham. She was like a flawless gem, some dark mysterious goddess come down from her lofty throne to make his wildest fantasies come true.

"See something you like, Ed?" she purred, rolling onto her back as if to give him a better view. He felt his face turning bright red again. She laughed and sat up to peep out the window. She could clearly see the Batmobile heading further and further down the street. "Shit." She muttered under her breath. "Looks like ol' Bats knows I busted you out." Edward popped up next to her to look out the window, and watched the Batmobile turn a corner out of sight. "Speaking of which, why did you help me out back there?" He gave her a long sideways look as he slumped back down on the floor, the back of his head resting against the cold window pane. Selina smiled crookedly. "I'm a shade of gray, dearie. I have to keep Batman on his toes, don't I?"

She stood up and brushed imaginary lint off of black leather. "Shall we head back to your place, then?" Edward simply stared at her in absolute shock. He loosened his tie, and pushed his green derby out of his eyes. She grinned wickedly at him. "Batman appears to be searching my apartment for the both of us. Unless you get off on that." Edward stood up and tried, for once tonight, to maintain some degree of dignity. _Act casual _"I only have the one bed, pussycat. Hope you don't mind sharing." He smiled sardonically.

**He's baaack… It's time for a couple of doses of overly confident Eddie, if I do say so myself… *Bwahahahahaha***


	5. Chapter 5

**Esmeralda Smith: My catsuit resistance is wearing thin. I don't know if I can hold on. :-D**

**SpyVsTailor: You're right. I love the guy to bits, but Batman himself is a teeny bit dull. I have a theory about his exact ranking of it… it's somewhere between "meh" and "Mallard Fillmore." It's hard to explain without quantum physics and a choreographed dance routine. **

**Anyway… Back to the story! I've been rewriting this chapter over and over for days. Next one's gonna be fast and cheap, like McDonalds. Or a hooker. Actually, those are very similar. :-p**

Chapter 5

Some days, Edward was absolutely certain you could tell it was going to be a bad day just by wearing the wrong pair of socks. Edward stared at his socks as he propped them up on the footrest of his worn, green recliner. They were green with misshapen purple dots that looked suspiciously like hearts, and a hole underneath the right big toe. Everything had gone to hell the moment he'd put on those God-forsaken socks. The plan with the Riddler dolls, Batman, and now HER. He looked towards his bedroom, where he could hear her purring softly. She'd immediately claimed it after he had led them home. If Batman had it out for both of them, they needed to lay low, and stick it out until the heat was off. He wasn't sure if he had given her the bed out of gentlemanly honor, or if he took her threat seriously to neuter him. He'd also given her an old button-up shirt and a pair of boxers to sleep in and wear around the house, if they were going to be lying low for a few days. He figured the catsuit would probably start to be uncomfortable after a while. _It was when I wore it, but then again, I'm taller and heavier than she is._ He sighed and closed his eyes, forcing himself to go to sleep and not think about the beautiful woman curled up on his bed wearing his clothes.

Selina buried her face into her pillow, relishing the comfort. Apparently, Edward Nygma believed in not just a good night's sleep, but a fantastic one. Mindlessly, she began working on a plan to steal the mattress. Upon realizing she'd need an accomplice (preferably not Harley Quinn), she gave up on the idea. Selina really preferred doing jobs alone, and she really didn't love the idea of explaining why she was stealing anyone's mattress, let along the Riddler's. _Oh well_. She breathed in deep and let the matter go. Then she caught herself and sniffed the pillow again. There was an oddly comforting mixture of aftershave, shampoo, and something else she couldn't identify right away. She pulled the sheet close around her, trying to figure it out. It was a little bit like leather and a little like paper… _Of course. A leather-bound book. _It was his natural smell. She had never noticed it before. Then again, she didn't really spend much time sniffing Gotham's underworld. She imagined she would probably get stabbed if she tried deliberately sniffing Joker. He didn't really take well to anyone acting stranger than he was. She closed her eyes and began purring again as she drifted off to sleep.

The next morning found Selina perched cat-like on the arm of the recliner, perfectly balanced. She stared patiently at Edward until he woke up with a jump and a small shriek. "Good morning, Ed." She greeted him solemnly, as though she did this all the time. He rubbed his face for a moment. "Good morning, Selina. How did you enjoy my bed? Scale of one to ten! I need to know, so I can rub it in your batty boyfriend's face the next time I see him." He grinned at her. Selina rolled her eyes and climbed down off the chair. "He's not my boyfriend." She replied evenly. Selina wandered over to the other armchair and curled up in it. "I suppose we should discuss house rules if we're going to have to stay here together until the heat dies down." Edward nodded. "I have a list. I thought about putting on a fake beard and etching them in stone, but that's probably overkill." Selina suppressed a laugh, and they began to negotiate living arrangements in earnest.

They talked for nearly thirty minutes, before finally becoming truly comfortable with each other. The talk naturally progressed from rules of living (Apparently, eating in the bathtub was something Edward was dead set against, even though Selina hadn't asked, or even thought about it. He simply made it rule number one: No one eats in the bathtub. EVER. ) to a surprisingly normal conversation about anything and everything. Edward found to his surprise and delight that they shared the same taste in music: old fashioned Swing, that they had similar taste in films, with the Boondock Saints as their shared favorite movie, although they had both love and revulsion for the sequel. ("It was funny" Selina muttered shaking her head sadly. "It just didn't make any sense.") As for books, they both loved classic literature and mysteries, although Edward confessed that his main joy was figuring out the ending in the first chapter and then seeing if he was correct by the end of the book (He was right a whopping ninety-two percent of the time). Selina was just pleasantly surprised he liked anything besides puzzles.

Eventually, they moved on to a topic Selina had been skirting: Batman. "What's he like? I mean, when he's not beating someone up and taking them to jail?" Edward asked, genuinely curious about why she would even bother with him. Selina sighed. "He's actually very sweet, most of the time. He's a little bit possessive. But we used to fight so much about my being Catwoman, and how I could give that up if I just stayed with him. Which sounds nice, but I couldn't live with myself if I had to give up my life to be his 'indoor kitty'." Edward snorted. " 'Indoor kitty?' I don't mean to laugh, but- yes. Yes, I do need to laugh. Is 'indoor kitty' a sexual term? I don't believe I'm familiar with that one." Selina began to giggle, and looked away embarrassed. "Seriously, though." Edward looked at her with all mirth gone from his eyes. "Anyone who wants you to change to be with him is as crazy as a man who dresses as a flying rodent to fight crime." Selina shrieked as they both dissolved into fits of laughter.

After a while, both of their stomachs began to rumble. Selina looked at the clock on the wall. It was nearly two in the afternoon. Edward went off to make sandwiches while Selina slipped away to take a shower. She was beginning to violate rule number two: thou shalt not smell like number two. Selina was beginning to like Edward, against all natural impulses. She got in the shower, feeling like maybe she had misjudged him after all. He was handsome (which she had only noticed this morning while staring him conscious), intelligent, funny, and above all, he was so much nicer than anyone had ever given him credit for. She deliberated for the duration of her shower, and decided to give him a second chance, friendship-wise.

Meanwhile, Edward was in the kitchen, mentally kicking himself for getting into what he knew was going to be a very tricky situation.


	6. Chapter 6

**All right! So, this chapter is slightly darker than all the others have been (or will be! I even had to change the rating for 6&7! ), but I promise it gets lighter again from here on out. A heist, some canoodling, whathaveyou. **

**To my loyal reviewers:**

**Wafia Primo: He won't be in the friend zone long *pinky swears***

**SpyVsTailor: Hey, hey, wander back! I've got more story to tell! Lol. **

Chapter 6

Selina turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. She wrapped the towel around herself and opened the door into the cold, drafty air of complete and utter chaos.

Selina stared in shock as three men pawed at her catsuit, while a fourth held Edward at knifepoint. What transfixed her attention was the man in the purple pinstriped suit and clown makeup. The Joker was speaking to Edward. "I don't know why you're so upset. You'll get to pull off jobs you never dreamed of! And you won't even have to lift a finger. Of course, you wouldn't be able to from the bottom of the Gotham River." Joker turned to Selina, looked her up and down, and cocked his head towards Edward. "Eddie boy, your girlfriend is very pretty. Wish I had her instead of Harley. Oh, right. I can. Grab her, boys!" Selina backed up into the bathroom while the three thugs who had been fondling her catsuit advanced on her. Meanwhile, Joker turned casually towards Edward. "Oh, it's a good day. I get to frame you AGAIN, I get a taste of your pussycat… And Batsy won't be able to stop me!"

The thugs dragged her towards the bed, kicking and clawing, towel completely gone. She looked at Edward with wide, scared eyes. Edward stared back at her, mild fear turning into steely resolve. Performing a move he'd only seen in movies, he twisted out of the knifeman's grip, punching him in the gut and sending him flying into Joker, whose head slammed against a nearby wall, knocking them both out cold. He then attacked the other three thugs. Grabbing one of his trick canes from the rack near the window, he smacked one goon in the head and another across the face all at once, sending the first one flying into another wall, and the second stumbled backwards into the bathroom where he fell through the glass shower door. The third Edward simply used the trick button on his cane and gassed him with a small dose of Jonathan Crane's fear toxin, right in the face. The man fell on the floor writhing and mumbling something about the boogeyman.

Edward knelt down on the floor, right in front of Selina who sat on the edge of the bed, and took her hands in his. "Selina? Selina? Are you all right, dear? Are you hurt?" Selina didn't say anything, but looked at him with her big green eyes, fighting back tears. Edward quickly looked around. They needed to get out of there, and fast, before either the cops or the neighbors showed up. Or before Joker woke up, which would've been much, much worse. Quickly, he wrapped Selina up in a sheet from his bed and carried her to the recliner. She scrunched up in it, legs to her chest. Edward flew around the apartment, grabbing the clothes Selina had been wearing, as well as her catsuit, a trick cane, and his keys.( Edward owned a car, though he didn't use it much. A super villain couldn't be caught using public transportation. It would be unseemly! ) Piling all of these things into Selina's lap, he picked her up again and ran out the apartment door and down the back staircase to the alley. Selina sniffled against his chest, still in a state of utter shock, and wrapped one slender arm around his neck. Edward was suddenly grateful for all of the adrenaline coursing through his body, as he didn't think he could've carried this far, otherwise. He made it to the car, and placed her gently into the passenger seat. He hopped into the driver's seat of the green Nissan Altima, and whipped the car down the alley and onto the street, just as the cops were arriving on the other side of the building.

There was only one place Edward could go. He drove several blocks, weaving his way through the dank city streets of Gotham. He pulled his car into the driveway of a small, shabby looking house near the University. He picked Selina up and carried her to the front door, which opened as he neared. Jonathan Crane fixed his face into a frighteningly crafty smile. "Hello Edward. Do come in."


	7. Chapter 7

**Yay double posting in one day! Sooo, I went to the smut store and stocked right up on it like I was a hoarder.**

**SpyVsTailor: Plenty more Scarecrow where that came from.**

Chapter 7

Edward staggered to the spare bedroom in Jonathan Crane's house and nearly dropped Selina on the bed. The fear master's lanky form followed them. "You know, you have your _own_ apartment for this. Ooh, is this like a threesome? Or am I just watching? Either way, let me go get my scarecrow mask, it'll be like a party." Edward ignored Crane, and touched a hand to Selina's forehead, smoothing the mussed hair out of her eyes. "Selina, dear, I need you to get dressed, Ok? I'll be right outside that door." He motioned to Jonathan. "Come one, I'll explain it to you."

In the living room, Edward and Jonathan sat on a shabby couch, discussing events. "Joker framed me for a crime last night. She sprang me out of the Batmobile; we ended up back at my apartment. Joker has apparently decided that framing me is much easier than committing his own crimes, so he followed me to kill me and frame me again and again for as long as he can get away with it. She happened to be in the shower when he broke in, and, well, wet, naked Catwoman… you can see where I'm headed with this one. We only just got away. We can't go to her place, Joker _and_ Batman can find us there. My apartment has been compromised. We obviously can't stay with Harley Quinn, and we'll get recognized checking into a motel. We are out of options. Please, Jonathan. For old times' sake. One night, so I can figure something out." Jonathan nodded. "One night? Fine." He looked toward the bedroom door. "He scared her pretty bad, did he? Let me get my notes…" Jonathan began to get up, but Edward grabbed him. "Not now. Later, maybe. If she lets you." Jonathan opened his mouth in silent protest, but closed it when he saw the look on Edward's face. "You… You have a personal investment in this woman." He looked back at the door, like a child whose favorite toy had been taken away. "Do you love her, Edward?"

Edward didn't have a chance to answer. The door opened and Selina walked out into the hallway. Jonathan looked at her with mock concern. "Are you all right, child?" He asked. She nodded, her face rather stoic. She sat down on the couch, Edward between the two of them. "My emotions got the better of me. It happens from time to time." Jonathan nodded and looked bemusedly at Edward. "Yes, I quite agree, child." Selina's stomach audibly rumbled, as did Edward's. Edward stood up. "Dr. Crane? Shall we be gentlemen, and make the lady some food?" Jonathan stood up. "I'm not feeling all that gentlemanly, Edward, but I'll watch you do it." They walked to the kitchen together.

"You never answered my question." Jonathan muttered, opening the fridge to retrieve chicken and vegetables for dinner. "You're right, I didn't." Replied Edward cryptically. Jonathan gave him a long stare, and a huge grin slowly crept onto his face. "I've been waiting for this day. The great Riddler doesn't know the answer to something." Edward sighed. "She's a mystery, I'll give you that. Tell you what: I'll let you know when I solve her." The food began cooking and the two men wandered back into the living room for a moment. "Selina, dear," Edward began, "at some point we are going to have to get you clothes and toiletries." Jonathan nodded. "If you give me a list, I suppose I could go to the 7-11 across the street. But… I'll want something in return." Edward elbowed him in the ribs, as Selina cocked her head at the Scarecrow. "You want an accurate fear account from earlier today?" Scarecrow nodded. "Ostensibly." Selina blew her hair out of her face. "Ok. Deal. But no fear gas."

Later that night, after supper, Jonathan retrieved his notes, and Selina began the tale. When she was finished, she gave Crane a list, and he headed out the door to retrieve the wanted items. Edward sat down on the couch next to the obviously discomforted woman. "Are you sure you're all right, dear?" She leaned her head into his shoulder and nodded. "Yes. It's just that it's one thing when you're dressed like a badass and prepared for a fight. It's another thing when it's a surprise and you were naked to start with. It just felt all wrong." He leaned down and pressed his face to her hair, taking in the smell of her. "Well, he's gone now. You're safe here, I promise." She looked up at him and smiled. "I never did get to thank you for saving my life." He grinned back. "I think it just made us even." They stared at each other for a long moment. Her left hand moved up to cup his face, and her eyes closed as she moved towards him. His eyes began to close as he leaned into her…

And then the front door opened. Crane had returned from the store, carrying a bag of toothbrushes and deodorant, and other necessities for the two of them. Selina stood up quickly and took the bag from Jonathan. "Thank you!" She greeted a little too cheerfully as she headed into the bathroom to use said items. "Yes. Thank you." Muttered Edward, his face slightly red. Jonathan plopped down on the couch next to Edward and grinned broadly. "Sooo, are you guys going to start studying human anatomy together, or what?" Edward's face went redder. "I think any chance of that just went out the front door." Jonathan made a sulky face. "That's too bad. I was so hoping she could introduce me to batgirl." Edward stared at him for a moment, all embarrassment forgotten. "Batgirl?" Crane laughed. "She's very pretty. I'd like to know what makes her tick, if you catch my drift. Rowr." Along with the purring sound, he winked and made a clawing gesture in the air. Edward suddenly wished to be absolutely anywhere else. They watched TV in awkward silence after that.

After a while, Jonathan decided he had notes to work on, and wandered away into his bedroom. Selina came out of the bathroom just as Edward was lying down on the couch, trying to get comfortable. She wandered over to say goodnight, leaning over the back of the couch to look at him. "That does not look comfy, Ed." He grimaced slightly and shook his head. "It isn't." She looked around at Jonathan's bedroom door. _Too bad… _She looked down at Edward again, who was halfway to kissing the back of her hand, when they both heard the commotion from Jonathan's room. "Dammit!" Crane yelled, and then what Edward recognized as the telltale sound of a gas grenade. Crane had gassed himself. _There is my proof_ Edward thought idly, amused by the fear master's seeming clumsiness with his own weaponry. Selina grinned at him. The hand enclasped in his looped around and caught his wrist, pulling him firmly to his feet. Selina led him around the couch and into the spare bedroom, closing the door behind them.

In the moonlight from the window, Selina was completely enchanting. Her eyes fluttered closed as she wrapped her slender arms around his neck. Her long lashes rested against her cheeks as she raised herself up on tiptoe, angling towards his face, body pressed tightly against him. His lips met hers and his mind went blissfully blank for the first time he could remember. His hands rested on her hips for a moment before rising up the length of her body, bringing her shirt with them. She raised her arms up in the air and disconnected their faces long enough to get the shirt over her head. She kissed him again with fire, pushing him backwards against the door, hands unbuttoning his shirt so fast she nearly popped the buttons off. Edward couldn't take it anymore. He picked her up under both knees and wrapped her thighs around his waist, holding her from her bottom, and steered them towards the bed, landing squarely, but gently on top of her. He stood up for a moment removing both her borrowed boxer shorts as well as the rest of his own clothing in one go. He fell back on top of her, feeling the smoothness of her entire body against his. He placed reverent kisses to her neck, and chest, moving on to her breasts and nipples, while she moaned his name and moved her hand to rub the length of him, making him harder than he had ever been in his entire life. He moved further down her body, leading a trail of kisses down her belly, and she raked her fingernails up his back and then grabbed handfuls of his hair as he moved to the valley between her thighs for the most intimate kiss, as she flat out screamed his name. Edward moved back up Selina's body, and she rolled the two of them over to straddle his hips. His hands grasped her breasts as she took him inside her, both bodies beginning to gyrate and buck. Selina threw her head back and actually lost the ability to speak, other than in small nonsensical sounds and moans. Their bodies moved to completion and they fell asleep in each other's arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**JannaKalderash: Not a jealous **_**Batman**_** per say… and I don't hate the Joker enough to actually kill him off. I don't like him enough to let him run free, either. Tough decisions…**

**SpyVsTailor: You know, I actually love writing Scarecrow. Hmmmm…. Maybe my next story should be entirely Scarecrow…**

Chapter 8

Edward woke up the next morning to find Selina gone and Jonathan Crane standing over him. "Did you sleep well?" Edward rubbed his face, having been stared into consciousness two days in a row. "Yes, wonderful. And yourself?" Crane quirked an eyebrow and pursed his lips together. "I was up late performing an experiment. Get ready to go; we have a big day ahead of us." With that, Jonathan turned and left the room. Edward quickly turned a laugh into a cough as he got up and scrounged for his discarded clothing. The urge to dwell on the past night's events hung heavily on his mind. His urge for a shower, however, was stronger. He smelled like a caged monkey, in his opinion. Edward stepped fully dressed into the living room.

To his absolute astonishment and horror, there stood a grinning Harley Quinn.

Edward nearly had a series of heart attacks. He dove behind the couch, and crawled, army-style, towards the front door. "Harley" laughed in pure amusement. "Eddie, it's me!" Selina managed to say between peals of laughter. She removed her jester's hat, letting her long, dark curls fall down around her shoulders. Edward stood up from behind the couch. "Of course you are! Why wouldn't you be dressed up like Joker's girlfriend? This is an objective term, naturally. I was merely demonstrating the escape plan for if they *do* show up." He tapped his temple with two fingers. "Three steps ahead, Selina dear, three steps ahead." With that, he turned on his heel and walked into the kitchen. "Now. Let's see about breakfast."

Selina and Jonathan stood in the living room looking at each other bemusedly for a moment. Jonathan shrugged and followed Edward into the kitchen. Selina followed suit out of curiosity. They found Edward standing calmly in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He watched them warily, a glint in his eye that Selina couldn't quite identify. He swallowed a mouthful. "Let me guess: you want us to dress up and infiltrate Joker's gang, kill him, and…" He paused and looked toward the ceiling, expression both thoughtful and puzzled. "And 'rehabilitate' Harley in the long run." Edward rolled his eyes around, as if checking all the clues. "Yeah. That's your plan. The answer is NO."

Selina looked at Jonathan, impressed. "You know, he's smarter than I give him credit for." Jonathan smirked. "You're not the first to say that. And I suspect you won't be the last." "Duh." Muttered Edward, from his position next to the fridge. Selina looked at Edward, slightly deflated. "Fine, smarty pants. What do you propose we do instead? Hide forever? Maybe join Batman?" Edward smirked. "We're going to do precisely ONE of those things. Possibly. But I will not kill Joker. He saved me from Hush. He did it to get information, but I still owe him. You know how it is with our kind. Weirdly strict code of ethics." Selina stared at him. "You realize he tried to kill you and sexually assault me?" Edward stared evenly back at her. "Neither of which he managed." Edward looked away for a moment, in thought. "He bungled that. It should have been way too easy for him. We'd be walking into a trap if we go anywhere near him. He might be interested in framing me, that part might be true… He's after something else. He didn't attack you out of convenience. He expected you to be there. He was after both of us. But why? What would he have to gain? What were you doing the night you found me in the Batmobile?" Selina looked flabbergasted at following his seemingly insane leaps of logic. "I was pulling a simple diamond store heist with… Harley."

Edward put the cereal bowl down. "I'm going to take a shower. I do my best thinking in there, especially now that I'm on my medications. Seems to affect my Riddleresque qualities, though. Not reformed, not really a criminal. Tough world." He walked out of the kitchen.

He popped his head back in for a moment. "Oh, if you swiped that old costume from Harley Quinn, it's probably bugged. In more ways than one, if you follow me. Get rid of it, and be quick about it." He started to walk away again. He turned and popped his head into the kitchen one last time. "Please." He flashed her a charming grin, and headed for the shower.

Jonathan looked at her. "If he was after the two of you, he could be after myself, Ozzie, Harvey… I'm going to turn on the TV, see if any other members of the rogues gallery made the news. You need to get rid of that costume, missy." Jonathan grabbed the Remote and turned on the TV, as Selina exchanged the jester outfit for her own catsuit. Meanwhile, Edward finished his shower, dressed, and wandered into the living room to talk to Jonathan.

When Selina finished dressing, she found Edward pacing the floor in the living room. He was shaking a hand in the air with one finger outstretched. "… He'll be expecting us to show up and sneak into his personal circle, but he'll know that *I* know that, so he'll actually be expecting us not to do that, but he, of course, knows I'll have figured that out too, so he'll be expecting us to show up wherever he is… And that's as far as I've gotten." Jonathan snorted. "Really, Ed. That was an incredible circle jerk. But you're thinking *inside* the box. You should team up with Batman. Joker won't expect that from you. Selina, maybe. But not you." Edward countered with: "If we're having the hypothetical infiltrate Joker's gang option, then he will definitely be expecting me to team up with Ba- I'VE GOT IT!" He rushed into the bedroom. "Where's Harley's costume?" He grabbed it off the bed and shook it at Selina. "Put it back on! We've got a Joker to put away. For as long as Arkham can keep him." Selina threw the costume back at him. "Put it on! Take it off! Put it back on! Why don't *you* put it on, Ed? You seemed oh-so-comfortable in my catsuit!" She stormed off muttering to herself. "Can't even tell me what's going on first, treats me like a henchgirl, can't even say thank you for last night…" She slammed the bathroom door shut and the sounds of her muttered ramblings were muffled even more by the sound of the shower. Then there was a very loud "CRAP! AFTER YOU TOOK A SHOWER, YOU PEED IN IT?"

Edward and Jonathan looked at each other, and spoke in perfect unison. "We should go." And with that, both men scattered to the public space of the gas station across the street to wait out Selina's wrath, and where Edward related the plan to Jonathan in its entirety.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I called up the good folks at DC comics and asked if I owned Batman. It was hard to hear over the laughter, but I'm pretty sure they said no. I'll call Warner Bros. next week, just to be sure.

**JannaKalderash: I write from personal experience. Boys are icky. Enough said. :-**

**NoSpillBlood: Awww. Thank you! I quite love writing Scarecrow. He is just tons of fun. :-) **

**SpyVsTailor: Thanks for noticing that! I always kinda feel like they leave all the good bits to Batman. The members of the underworld are people too, with thoughts and feelings, and worries and fears. But I guess you can only put so much in each panel, or a comic book would be 60 pages long…. And then a movie gets made and you get Jim Carrey as the Riddler *shudders*. But I'm ranting. :-) **

Chapter 9

Edward and Jonathan wandered all three of the meager gas station aisles. After Edward had finished laying out his plans, they turned to discussing recent events in their lives. Edward mentioned his unestablished 'relationship' with Selina. "It's so different with her. I mean, obviously, one night does not make a relationship. But she has me wrapped around her finger. My brain was so fogged after Rome, and since she's been hanging around for the last thirty-nine hours, fifty seven minutes and" He checked his watch. "Twenty-two seconds, and I've been so clear it's ridiculous. She makes me feel stupid and I like it, and WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Jonathan chuckled. "You're in love."

"Damnit."

Meanwhile, Selina had finished her shower, gotten dressed, and stepped out of the bathroom to….

An empty house.

Edward and Jonathan were gone. Selina had a moment of panic. The front door was still open, the TV was on… and Harley's suit was gone. Cautiously, she crept into the living room. The afternoon news was on, and the blonde anchorwoman on the screen smiled as she read tragedy after tragedy off of her teleprompter. A picture of Ozzie popped up over the woman's left shoulder. Ozzie had sold the Iceberg Lounge. The new owner, whose name Selina didn't recognize, had paid millions for the nightclub. A picture of the man smiling and shaking hands with Ozzie unsettled her. In it, Ozzie wasn't smiling.

Selina turned her attention away from the TV. She prowled the rest of the house. Upon checking the bedrooms, she gathered a fear gas grenade, Jonathan's Scarecrow mask, and Edwards trick question mark cane. She was walking down the hallway towards the living room when she heard the front door open. Crouching around the corner, she pulled on the mask and threw a gas grenade into the living room. Then she sprang into attack mode. She leaped up and popped two people over the head with Edward's cane.

Two very familiar looking people.

Edward and Jonathan lay in the middle of the living room, surrounded by a scattered bevy of snacks and the Harlequin costume Edward had accidentally walked out of the house with. They were both conscious, but the fear gas was starting to take effect. Jonathan stared at the mask she wore, his own Scarecrow mask, in stunned silence. Edward curled up into a ball and cried, muttering the word "Daddy" over and over.

Selina was stunned.

Selina sat down in the floor next to Edward and pulled his head into her lap. She stroked his hair and made soft soothing noises. As the fear toxin wore off, Edward calmed down and began to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, Jonathan began to giggle like a stoned teenager.

Feeling like whatever moment they were having was officially past, Selina pulled off Jonathan's mask and smacked Edward in the face. "Wake up!" Edward blinked and looked up at her. "What happened? I feel like I was hit by a truck." He blinked and shook his head. They both looked at Jonathan, snickering away, and got to their feet. "Man. If I get gassed for peeing in the shower, I am *terrified* of cheating on you. You might stab me or throw me off a cliff, or something crazy. And I know crazy." He gave her the evil eye. "Now. Where were you headed off to with one of his grenades and my trick cane?"

"I was going to see Batman. Something big is going on. Bigger than Joker. Ozzie's been forced to sell the Iceberg, and he's not really happy about it. Some guy named Michael Winters. I've never heard of him. Ring any bells?" Edward rubbed his eyes. "Winters… nope. Nobody. You think he forced Ozzie to sell him the Lounge? Why?"

"I don't know. Just a feeling. I saw a picture of the two of them on the news, and Ozzie didn't look too pleased about a multi-million dollar sale." She replied. "I mean, he could be simply strapped for cash, but it seems like a pretty big coincidence, and if he were strapped for cash, the first thing he could or would do is rob a bank. He's not exactly an honest businessman."

Edward beamed at her. "That's my girl! Er… cat." He cleared his throat. "Now. Change of plans. We're going to go see Batman. Or better yet, Batham will be coming to us."

"Batman? Will Batgirl be there?" Jonathan asked from behind them. Clearly the fear toxin had worn off, as the giggling had stopped. He looked so very hopeful, with his overlarge, owlish blue eyes, that Edward didn't want to let him down. He looked at Selina. "Yeah. Will Batgirl be there?" He leaned in close and whispered. "I'm his wingman." He winked and straightened his purple tie.

Selina threw up in her mouth a little bit.

Covering her momentary ungraceful lapse, covered her mouth and laughed. She tapped each man on the nose with one finger as she walked through the living room, and stood at the ready at the front door. "I hope you boys have one hell of a plan, if you want the Bat involved."

"Oh, I do, Miss Whiskers. Think the three of us could pull off a heist at the Gotham Zoo? I have always wanted a pet elephant."

Selina grinned and rubbed her lower lip with her index finger. "The zoo it is."

Jonathan looked unsure. "And you really think this will attract the attention of Batman?"

Edward ginned even more broadly, if possible. "It will if we advertise it."

With that, the trio gathered their necessary supplies, and walked out the door. The Zoo wouldn't even know what hit it.


	10. Chapter 10

**JannaKalderash: We'll see, won't we?**

**Esmeralda Smith: Oh, poo… I wish I'd thought about the Riddlesignal… There are a lot of comic books; I just can't seem to keep track of all the little things… Thanks, though. Maybe I can put it in another story, at some point.**

**SpyVsTailor: Jonathan Crane is either clearer than he's ever been or crazier than he's ever been. Yeah… that pretty much sums it up. :-p**

Chapter 10

It was late afternoon by the time they arrived at the Gotham Zoo. The air was still and the silence was only permeated by the occasional animal cry. To Selina, it smelled like the perfect time to commit a crime. They hid themselves in an old lemur exhibit that was being renovated. Edward and Jonathan immediately set to making a series of small explosives, while Selina sat in a tree and played lookout.

"Eddie?" She asked from above, after an hour or so of her watchcat role.

"Yes, Socks?" He replied looking up at the tree. Selina rolled her eyes in annoyance. "We're not going to hurt any of the animals, are we?"

Edward snorted "And have my ass kicked by the militant, costumed, feline branch of PETA? I think not."

Selina laugh shook the branch she was sitting on. "I don't know, Ed. You get beaten so often, I'm starting to think you enjoy it."

"It does make perfect sense." Jonathan chimed in.

Edward made a face. "I didn't ask you."

They sat in silence for a bit longer. It was beginning to get dark, and Selina studied the zookeepers going about their nightly routines. Feed for the animals, exhibit maintenance, veterinary rounds, and so forth. Eventually, one by one, they all left.

"How are we looking up there?" Jonathan asked

Selina adjusted her goggles and replied. "Two night guards. Each driving his own, personal golf cart. Should be pretty easy to take out." She climbed down from her tree. Edward looked at the two of them. "Shall we?"

They exited the lemur exhibit.

First Selina swung her way through the trees to take out the far guard. She took him out with one well-aimed swing into the golf cart. She tied him up, divested him of his flashlight and walkie-talkie, and drove his unconscious form back to the lemur enclosure, where she left him.

Next, Edward and Jonathan threw a fear toxin grenade in front of the other oncoming golf cart. Pulling gas masks into place, they leapt out of the darkness and tackled the terrified man. They also tied him up, collected walkie and flashlight, and left the man in the lemur exhibit. Before they executed phase two of the plan, Edward fiddled with the walkie-talkies so that they now picked up radio signals like a primitive police scanner. Selina had to admire him. He really was a technological wizard.

Phase two: Edward picked the locks on every single enclosure he came across, while Selina used a series of whistles, and an odd amount of baby-talk to coax animals out of their cages. By the second-to-last exhibit, every animal, from meerkat to giraffe had run straight out of the park. Most headed for downtown Gotham, while a rhino and a polar bear made an odd spectacle of themselves in a nearby suburban neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Jonathan planted bombs in every single vacated habitat.

Selina and Edward reached the last exhibit: the home of Eloise the Elephant. Selina couldn't help but grin at the sight of the mammoth creature. "You know, I have never seen an elephant up close before." Edward beamed at her. "You're in for a treat then, Muffin." He picked the lock, and opened the gate, giving a little bow-like gesture to invite her inside. He leaned against the doorway and watched with a grin as she cautiously approached Eloise.

Selina held one hand out and slowly touched a hand to Eloise's trunk. She laughed softly as the animal reached up and caressed her face with her trunk… and then took her goggles, right off of her head. Selina laughed outright. "Clever girl! Come on, clever girl!" She clapped both hands together and made kissy noises. She began to move away. Curiously, the elephant followed. If Selina got too far away, Eloise would stop, fearful of leaving the enclosure alone.

Selina had an idea. She quickly scaled a nearby tree, and jumped, lightly landing on Eloise's back. Eloise, startled, tried to shake Selina off. Edward jumped from his position against the doorframe, and ran, hands outstretched, prepared to catch his feline partner. Selina managed to hang on, while making soothing noises and stroking Eloise's head and large ears. Eloise calmed down, as she got used to having someone riding on her back. Selina lightly squeezed the sides of the elephant, as though riding a horse, and made a light clucking sound. Eloise got the hint and began to move through the gate.

Edward clutched his chest, his heart still racing. "Next time you decide to ride a wild animal through the zoo, tell me first! Geeze!" Selina gave him a grin worthy of the Cheshire Cat. "Come on, Eddums. Let's get this little lady to her new home."

Jonathan joined them at the zoo entrance. "All the bombs are planted, and ready for detonation." He held up the remote trigger. "Welcome to chaos, Gotham. Incidentally, what clues did you leave?"

Edward smirked. "None. First time in my life. We'll let the Bat be really confused for a while. I want him tracking the _elephant_, not the _Riddler._ Thank God for these meds." He tapped his right temple.

Three miles from the zoo, with Eloise safely in the truck that Edward had stolen just for the occasion, Jonathan detonated the bombs. Gotham police, which had already had its hands full trying to deal with the animals that were running rampant through the city out of the blue, now had full reports coming in of the explosions in the zoo.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl all picked the information up from police scanners.

The game was afoot.


	11. Chapter 11

**JannaKalderash: Aww, you're making me blush! I'll try to keep up to par!**

**SpyVsTailor: I feel that there are many more smart-ass Crane remarks to come! Maniacal laugh.***

Chapter 11

Ten miles outside of Gotham, lay an old farm that had belonged to some distant relation to Jonathan. He didn't specify how they were related, just that he had been left the farm after a death of 'mysterious circumstances.' "I didn't kill her, if that's what you're thinking. She had a, ah… heart condition." Jonathan remarked idly, as Edward and Selina loaded the confused, and now belligerent, elephant into the barn.

Eloise calmed down a bit after finding that she had plenty of room to roam the barn, and hay to pick up and toss, mostly at Jonathan.

The elephant secured, it was time for phase three. Edward pulled Harley Quinn's costume from the cab of the truck and handed it to Selina. "I need to you to track down and distract Batman and _only _Batman. Stay well out of sight of Robin and Batgirl. I need both of them _here_." He grinned. "What do you know about the intercom system in their suits, Miss Cheivous?"

Selina laughed outright. "What is with the cat names?"

Edward looked at her seriously. "You didn't answer the question. Are they something that can be jammed, or will I have to manually disable them?"

She sighed and looked away for a second. "Batman and Batgirl both have cowl headpieces, kind of like a Bluetooth set. You'd have to break into the cowl to disable it. Robin's is an earpiece, similar to the secret service. You could probably pull it out, but I don't know how close you could get to him to do it. Your best bet is to jam them, but I don't know what the frequency is. That's your job, mister wizard."

Edward stroked a gloved finger against her cheek. "You really are something, aren't you?" He chucked her under the chin and walked away. "Good luck." He called over his shoulder.

_That's it?_ Selina wondered. "HEY!" She called after him. "That's it? Really? Just "Good luck, Godspeed?"

Edward stopped and turned. Selina took two long strides toward him.

"Something wrong?"

"What am I, your Hench girl now?"

"Well, I didn't really think you were the type, but if you want, I could have something drawn up. I'm thinking I'd base the design around a question mark. It wouldn't really take too much material, just cover the naughty bits." Edward drew an imaginary question mark on his own body with his finger, and Selina suddenly had a very clear and disturbing image.

"No thanks, but you could probably pull it off."

"Not really my style, Fluffy. No breasts. Did you want something else? Goodbye kiss, perhaps?"

"I'd just as soon kiss the Scarecrow." She turned and walked away.

"I don't recommend it. He uses way too much tongue." He called after her.

Selina walked out of the barn and into the farmhouse without looking back.

Three hours later, Selina found herself perched on the top of the Gotham First United Cathedral. She studied the scene taking place below. A panther had cornered a police officer and a member of animal control. The latter seemed to be having trouble reloading his tranquilizer gun, as the panther stalked slowly towards them. Selina had a moment of pity. She didn't want the poor panther tranq'd, and she certainly didn't want the two men dead. Before she could act, Batman swung into view.

He shot the panther with a small tranquilizer gun that he had pulled from his utility belt. _I have got to get one of those._ Selina thought to herself, as she straightened the jester's cap over her hair. Once she was sure the panther was down, she leapt down behind Bruce, as he was checking on the officers. Putting on her best Brooklyn accent, she called out "Hey-a Bats! Were ya lookin fer me?" She giggled and cartwheeled down the alley. "Harley!" She heard him growl, as he began to give chase. She led him all the way around the city, always just out of reach.

She began to tease him. "Wheeee! All the animals I evah could-a dreamed of ta play with! Betcha you'll nevah find the elephant!"

_Elephant?_ Batman thought to himself, as he chased 'Harley' around Gotham. He touched a hand to his cowl headset. "Batgirl! Robin! Get back to the zoo! Harley and Joker have stolen an elephant for… God knows why. Just look for tracks, either elephant or large truck. Let me know when you find it, and _be careful._"

"Yes sir!" Chirped Batgirl, as she grappled her way to the rooftops of Gotham. "On my way!" She heard Robin chime in, as he scrambled to meet her at the zoo.

Batman continued his chase, with a sinking feeling that Batgirl and Robin were walking into a trap.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Robin, upon reaching the zoo, had almost immediately found the tire tracks leaving the parking lot. While the tracks faded a little ways down the road, the duo deduced that it was headed out of town.

"We should start searching farmhouses." Robin suggested. "A silo or a barn would be the only thing big enough to hold an elephant."

"It should be one with or near a greenhouse." Batgirl replied. "They'll need to feed her."

After two hours of searching the countryside, they stumbled upon Jonathan Crane's farm.

"Batman. We found it." Batgirl whispered into her transmitter. "1307 Tar Pit Lane, about twelve miles outside of North Gotham."

"I'll be there as soon as I take care of 'Harley.' Assuming that this *is* Harley. I'm beginning to have my doubts. She's way too on top of her game tonight."

Together the duo pushed open the barn doors and carefully entered, looking for signs of the Joker.

From inside one of the unused horse stalls, a gas grenade was thrown.

"Time for phase four." Edward whispered to himself with a grin.

***Maniacal laugh courtesy of Tex Richman, oil tycoon, and founder of the laugh foundation, for kids without laughs.**


	12. Chapter 12

**SpyVsTailor: For the Crane/Nygma tongue question: I'm gonna go with the standard 'everyone experiments in college' excuse, and leave it at that. :-p**

Chapter 12

Batman had finally arrived at the old Barn outside of town where Edward and Jonathan had hidden Eloise the elephant. He had finally given up on 'Harley.' Eventually, she had just outmaneuvered him, and he'd lost her.

He tried again on the Bat-communicator. "Robin? Batgirl? Do you copy?"

He had been trying to reach them for an hour.

He scanned the barn for life forms. He found two: One very large elephant, and one human in a sitting position.

Batman pushed open the barn doors. He found Robin unconscious, gagged, and bound to a chair.

He scuttled to his protégé's side, and began untying him. "Robin! Wake up!" he hissed, tapping him lightly on the cheek. Robin grudgingly began to rouse, opening one eye and mumbling something through his gag.

Batman pulled it out. "Where's Batgirl?"

"The Scarecrow took her."

Similarly, Batgirl awoke as well, gagged and bound to a chair. She didn't recognize the surroundings, but she was clearly in an abandoned warehouse of some sort. She strained to hear voices coming from an office. Two men and a woman were arguing.

The door opened and Catwoman, the Riddler, and the Scarecrow entered the room. Catwoman pulled up a chair and sat backwards with her arms folded on the backrest. She was still wearing her catsuit, but had removed the cowl and goggles, letting her long dark curls fall down around her shoulders.

"Hello, Batgirl." Jonathan grinned and waved, before Edward gave him a long sideways glance and made a slashing motion across his throat with his hand.

"Nobody's going to hurt you." Selina stated firmly.

Batgirl quirked an eyebrow at this.

"We just need help."

"Some of us need more than others." Muttered Edward, as Jonathan tried to tame his unruly hair, and grinned coyly at the slender redhead.

"I can't take these two to Batman, he'd arrest them both. He'd probably arrest me too. I broke Eddie out of the Batmobile three nights ago."

"Edward!" he muttered exasperatedly

The quirked eyebrow climbed higher.

"I wanted you here because I know how compassionate you are."

"And beautiful and smart and funny, and- " Edward cut Jonathan off with a sharp elbow jab in his bony ribs.

"Batman has lost some of that compassion. We're all just criminals to him now. Even me." Selina looked a little sad at this. She and Bruce had had such a convoluted past. It was hard to believe it could really all be over.

Batgirl stared impassively at Selina for a moment. Then she gave a quick nod of her head.

Selina tugged down the gag.

"You realize you're going to be arrested anyway for kidnapping, right?"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"For the two of them? Really?"

"I'm not doing this for them."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because the Joker is a sick, sick man."

"He's back in town? Our reports indicated he's pulled three consecutive stunts in Metropolis over the last week."

"Metropolis?" the trio repeated in shock.

"But I pulled a heist with Harley Quinn three nights ago! She didn't say anything about him being out of town!"

"I, for one, would not be surprised if Harley couldn't tell that he wasn't the real Joker." Edward spoke up.

Batgirl continued. "We have all kinds of theories that something big is on the rise. Someone's been impersonating Joker. Poorly. With Cobblepot being forced out of the Iceberg Lounge, and the disappearance of Victor Fries, we can only guess that there's someone new in town."

"Or someone old with some new tricks." Edward surmised.

Batgirl looked at him interestedly. "You have an idea who it might be?"

"Possibly, my dear." He replied. "First, tell me what you know about Michael Winters."

Batgirl sighed. She couldn't believe she was really doing this. "Other than his buyout of the Iceberg, there's no record of him. He might as well have not existed before last week. The name's gotta be an alias."

"It is. And I think I know whose." Edward stated, stroking his chin in deep thought.

***I'd like to say that I believe that Gotham and Metropolis are really far apart, At least for the purposes of this story.**


	13. Chapter 13

**SpyVsTailor: Barbara Gordon is the *only* Batgirl in my mind. And Dick Grayson is the only Robin, cuz I roll old-school. None of this "Damian Wayne as Robin" or Catwoman letting someone replace her because she had a baby (Bruce really needs to stop knocking up his rogue's gallery. It's weird.) But I digress… **

Chapter 13

After they had pumped Batgirl dry for information, they gathered in the old office to discuss what to do with her. Selina argued in favor of simply letting her go. "She's had enough. Just release her. She was a tremendous help, it's the least we could do." Edward countered with: "But if she leads Batman straight to us? I say release her as well, but we blindfold her and take her to an undisclosed location."

Selina and Edward looked to Jonathan to play tiebreaker. "Leave her here. If she's trustworthy, she won't tell Batman anything when he finds her. Just how miserable she is, how many times I gassed her, et cetera et cetera. I'll even stay here with her. Why don't the two of you go try and find Ozzie? I'll put up a good pretend fight when the Bat shows up. Scouts honor." He put two fingers up in the Boy Scout gesture.

Selina narrowed her eyes "You were never a scout."

Edward leaned in close and whispered "I promised him some alone time with her." He leaned in a bit closer to her ear "It means some extra alone time for us, as well, Cleocatra."

Selina blushed a bit. "Well, that plan seems pretty thought out. Shall we go find Ozzie?" She trailed a hand across Edward's abdomen as she walked away. "Have fun, Jonny. Treat her like a lady."

Edward and Jonathan watched her walk out the door. Jonathan turned to his old friend "I have some ideas where the penguin might be hiding. He likes museums, and –"

"Eddie!"

Edward cut Jonathan off. "Yeah, penguin museums, got it." He positively ran out the door after Selina. "Coming, Tigger!"

Meanwhile, Batman and Robin had methodically begun searching any and every place they had ever associated with the Scarecrow: the Iceberg, Arkham, the University, and then they began a frantic search of abandoned buildings around Gotham.

"Why would he want her?" Robin muttered, frustrated.

"To get to me." Batman replied.

"Yeah, but no ransom, no demands, and no messages? No torture videotape?" Robin countered. "Something else is up."

Batman studied his protégé hard. "You seem awfully stoic for a guy whose girlfriend was just kidnapped by a super villain."

"She's not my girlfriend." The boy wonder stated flatly. "She dumped me last month."

"Really? Why would she break up with you?" Batman asked, positively curious as they landed on the rooftop of what had to be their tenth abandoned building.

"She said it was too hard to be dating and working together. But I don't believe that. I think there was another guy."

Batman stopped from prying open a rooftop door to look at his ward. "And you think this man is … the Scarecrow?" he asked incredulously.

"All I know is someone's been leaving her flowers everywhere: At the library, at her apartment… professionally sent, everytime, always a different florist."

"Don't stalk your ex-girlfriend. It just ends with me sending you to jail. Now help me get this door open."

"I'm not stalking her. I was just concerned that something like, well, _this_ might happen." He grunted as they popped open the door and searched the building.

While Batman searched for his lost ally and Edward and Selina were off 'searching for Ozzie,' Jonathan delighted in his brief time alone with Batgirl. He made soup on a hotplate in the office, and arranged a small bouquet of flowers he had scrounged outside into a mug.

Barbara Gordon looked up as the lanky fearmaster stepped back into the room. He was bringing her… food and _flowers_?

"You know, you're not nearly as scary as you think you are."

"Neither are you, my dear. In fact, your costume's more confusing than anything. A knockout beauty dressed as a bat? Ludicrously ironic."

"And you're just ugly enough for that Scarecrow costume?" She grinned. "You walked right into that one."

He sat down in Selina's abandoned chair and pulled it close, grinning craftily. "Unattractive, I may be, but I like to think I make up for it with my sense of humor."

"You have a sense of humor?"

He laughed, to her genuine surprise. "Edward's the only one who really gets it. Perhaps the people of Gotham just need more intelligence. I mean, really, to get up to par with Ed and myself, one would need an extra brain." He peered away, thoughtfully. "Can you imagine? This city would be a *much* better place. We'd have absolutely no need for your Bat fiend."

"I think you mean friend."

"I know what I said." He smiled at her again. "I am curious, though, why you spend your time in the company of men who are armed to the teeth and dressed like flying rodents."

"We're saving the city from people like you!"

He smiled as he held spoonfuls of hot vegetable medley to her lips. "You are grossly misinformed about us, Querida."

"Oh, am I? Enlighten me, then."

"My initial research, before I became what I am today, was not just to learn why people are scared, and how it affects the brain, but to take fear _away_. I was bullied enough as a child. No one should have to be scared like that. I look upon my storied career here in Gotham as research, and nothing more. The public doesn't see it that way, and neither does that confounded Bat." He looked a little glum. "All because the University wouldn't let me test on human subjects. So I contend with my criminal career, longing for the day when I can bring joy to Gotham. And it gives me something to do. And do you know the bright side to my darkest moments, Querida?" He looked directly into the ice blue pools of her eyes. She shook her head no.

"Whenever I get arrested, I always hope it'll be you with the handcuffs, instead of the big, bad Batty."

Barbara opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. Batman and Robin fell from above in a shower of glass shards, like crystal rain. Jonathan made to protect Batgirl, covering her with his body, while the skylight came down on their heads. Jonathan pulled a gas grenade from his pocket, and detonated it, but the dynamic duo had thought to bring gas masks. Jonathan pulled his own mask from a clip on his belt and ran through the fog for the door, as Batman gave pursuit. He ran around the room trying to evade Batman and Robin.

As he was tackled to the ground, he banged his head, and as he slipped into unconsciousness, he heard a voice through the fog, "Don't hurt him!"

And then it was blackness.

**For the record, I always picture the Scarecrow from the 90's cartoons. That little bastard is adorable.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Ok, so I just figured out that the lines I used to separate the different viewpoints/ parts of this story don't exactly show up in the finished product. And by 'exactly,' I mean 'Not at all.' I'm gonna try something different here. Sorry for any confusion in the last couple of chapters. Or in the next couple of chapters. (Yarrr, I don' know what I'm doin')**

**SpyVsTailor: Glad you thought it was funny! I aims to pleases!**

Chapter 14

Edward and Selina searched the city high and low for Oswald Cobblepot. They searched every museum, aviary, pet store, the Gotham circus and fairgrounds and they even braved going back to the zoo. Around sunrise, they finally got a lead.

On top of Wayne Tower, of all places (Selina had hauled a grumbling Riddler up to the top by what he claimed was the collar on his jacket), Selina and Edward had found one of Ozzie's goons spraying graffiti all over the large landmark "W."

Edward, to his credit, (and perhaps in an attempt to prove to Selina how nice he could really be,) inquired politely about Penguin's whereabouts. This particular tactic got him nowhere, except that now he had spit in his eye.

Selina had much better luck.

She looked at Edward as she dug her heel into the back of the thug's neck. "Pain usually works best with these morons." To the thug: "TALK! TELL ME WHERE HE IS."

"He's at the Gardens! Gotham Gardens! Please! God, just don't hurt me, lady!"

Selina released the thug and she and Edward began to walk toward the edge of the rooftop. Selina paused for a moment, and held up one finger. She turned around and snapped her whip at the thug who was hastily drawing a gun from his pocket.

Her first hit snatched the gun from his hands.

The second surprised him by coiling around his neck. Selina jerked the whip tighter, so that his face turned reddish purple and his eyes bulged.

"I won't be so nice this time." She snarled. She released the whip and attacked.

To Edward, it seemed it happened almost in slow motion. She spun on her left leg, pirouette-style, kicking the goon in the face with her right three times in succession. Her hair swirled around her face and the expression on her face was pure, manic joy. Her green eyes sparkled and her body was taut.

She'd never looked more beautiful.

The brute fell backwards, completely knocked out. Selina whirled and reached Edward in three strides. She grabbed his face in her gloved hands, knocking his green derby clean off.

Their lips touched and Edward blissfully forgot everything, right down to his last name for a moment.

They parted to a hand's breadth.

"My apartment. Right now." Breathed Selina.

Over at the Gotham City Police Station, Jonathan Crane was being booked on counts of kidnapping, destruction of property, and theft, amongst other things. What Commissioner Gordon couldn't figure out was the Scarecrow's motive. Nothing in any of the crimes matched his M.O., and the lanky fearmaster wasn't talking. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself, as he was fingerprinted and posed laughingly for his mugshot.

Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon was being checked out by Alfred in the Batcave. She sat on the medical table while he checked her breathing and peered carefully at the lump on the back of her head. Dick Grayson hopped up and sat beside her. "So. Have fun with the Scarecrow?" His tone was teasing, but his eyes were kind. "He was a perfect gentleman." She replied. "Are we done here, Alfred?" The kindly old man nodded. "Yes, Miss Gordon. Just try not to take any more whacks here." He replied, touching a finger to the spot on her skull. She hopped down off the table, got dressed, and headed for home, leaving poor Dick in utter confusion.

As she traced a path to her apartment, she contemplated whether to tell the dynamic duo what had happened. Yes, they had stolen an elephant and blown up the zoo, but for very different reasons than she had expected. Nobody had gotten hurt, Selina had seen to that, and the Riddler had planned it down to the tee.

And the Scarecrow. Where did he fit into this? He didn't seem to have any reason to join this little crusade other than to see herself, AKA Batgirl. And the Riddler and Selina seemed way too close to each other. _He kept calling her pet names. What is the deal with that?_ If Selina was dating the Riddler, Bruce was not going to be pleased. He'd always carried a torch for the Catwoman over the years, and even though they had dated off and on, Bruce had always kind of assumed they would end up together.

Barbara set her jaw. She would figure this out on her own. Things were too gray as of yet to bring in the big guns.

Besides: It was time she proved herself.

Five hours later, Selina awoke to a pair of blue eyes staring at her.

"Jesus, Ed. Next time, just tap me or something." She groaned as she rolled onto her stomach. "I might sink my claws into you next time." She propped the pillow up over her arms and smirked at him.

Still on his side, propped up on his elbow, Edward ran his free hand through her hair. "How is that different from four hours ago? I think I might need stitches in my right buttock." She giggled at him, and checked out his ass.

"It's a scratch!"

"A scratch? No! You speared me! I'll need a tetanus shot, at the very least!" He protested, albeit with a smile spreading on his face. Selina giggled and snuggled into his arms, pressing kisses to his neck and chest. "That's better, but I'd still prefer the tetanus shot." He grumbled in mock frustration. He hooked his right arm around her waist and smiled into her neck. "This will have to be the last one for today, Lady Catterly. We need to get back to work."

Selina lowered her lashes and pouted for a moment. "Then I guess we better make it count."


	15. Chapter 15

**JannaKalderash: I like to believe that's part of why we call him "The Riddler!" Seriously, though, if a guy gets to sleep with Catwoman, he should probably make it worth her while. Although, a claw up the wazoo does seem very signature Selina. I can only imagine how many of Bruce's scars are actually sex related… Is that too weird to think about? Probably. **

**SpyVsTailor: I agree, she's kinda hot. Eddie's a seriously lucky man. He should be down on his knees thanking his lucky… OH! I have the power to make him do that, don't I? *dodges Riddler cane***

Chapter 15

Jonathan Crane stewed in his jail cell. It had been 48 hours, and no sign of Edward or Selina to bust him out. He reflected on why he was there in the first place.

_Oh, right. I just *had* to meet Batgirl, didn't I? Red hair and some stupid breasts._

_Ok, fine. Really great breasts. All perky and shit._

_And her hair smells like a warm summer day._

Jonathan sighed dreamily for a moment, only to notice his cellmate giving him "the eye." He shuddered mightily.

_Somebody get me outta here!_

Barbara Gordon sat on her overstuffed sofa, eating strawberry ice cream and watching the news. Gotham really was a depressing place: A fire, a liquor store robbery, several car crashes, a suicide, and it just went on and on…

She tuned out for a few moments, wondering why there had been no word, either from Batman, or on the news about the Scarecrow, Catwoman, or the Riddler.

Suddenly, as if to answer her thoughts, a picture of Jonathan Crane flashed up on the screen.

"… Police still have no leads as to the accomplices of Jonathan Crane AKA the Scarecrow, in the kidnapping of our beloved Batgirl, following the destruction of the Gotham zoo, and release of several large and dangerous animals into the streets of Gotham. He is currently being held without bail, and is awaiting trial, which we have just learned has been fast-tracked to Tuesday. Given his "illustrious" criminal career, he could be looking at a lifetime sentence at Gotham's own Arkham Asylum." The blonde anchorwoman gave a plastic sort of smile into the camera, as though she didn't believe Arkham could hold him for the rest of his life. Privately, Barbara agreed with her.

She dropped her spoon back into her bowl with a clatter and set it clumsily down on the coffee table. She felt something that she thought she would never, *ever* feel towards a criminal:

Guilt.

She'd put an innocent man behind bars. Possibly for life.

She weighed her options.

Batman would be of no help to her. As far as he was concerned, the Scarecrow was in the right place. Robin would agree with their mentor, and Alfred couldn't help her without informing his employer what was going on.

She couldn't go to her father. Batgirl had no actual clout down at the police station, especially without evidence. Plus, while dressed as Batgirl, she tried hard to stay clear of the commissioner, just in case she would be recognized as his daughter.

She had no idea how to get in contact with the Riddler or Catwoman, and apparently neither did Jonathan Crane.

It left her with one inconceivable, bat-shit crazy option.

Meanwhile, Edward and Selina resumed their search for Oswald Cobblepot. After dragging themselves unwillingly from Selina's bed, they searched the Gotham Botanical Gardens, where they found him sipping tea on the edge of a fountain with Poison Ivy, who had conveniently run all the gardeners and caretakers out. Selina was surprised that Ivy had taken to the man, but Ozzie had always had his own odd sense of charm.

"Pussycat!" he quacked through his teeth, cigarette filter tightly clenched, "What brings you here? And why in the hell did you bring Riddles with you?"

Selina glanced at "Riddles" with a smug smirk. _I'm going to have to remember that one._ To Ozzie: "We were looking for you, Ozzie! And surprise! You have Pam with you!"

Ivy managed to smile serenely at Selina while glaring hellfire at Edward, a trick Selina suddenly wished she knew.

Smiling angelically, Selina sat gracefully down next to Ivy on the fountain edge. Ozzie sighed and set down his teacup. "I suppose, my dear, you're here to ask me why I sold the Iceberg."

Edward stood in front of the three of them, hands in his pockets. "We know you were forced out Ozzie. We want to help."

Cobblepot looked at Edward in shock, and Pam actually dropped her teacup. "*You* want to … help?" He asked in absolute shock. Pam looked at Selina inquisitively.

Selina shrugged and motioned to Edward, who continued "Gotham is our home. We were the first generation of Super Criminals, and damnit, we're not going down without a fight, just because some punk kid figured out how to take a few of us on."

Ozzie smiled, cigarette still clenched in his teeth. "I take it you have a plan, Riddles?"

Edward beamed "Half formed. I need you to tell me everything you know, first. Michael Winters, *everything*.

Pam leaned in, eyes ablaze, with her chin propped in her hand. "I'm in too. Spill."

Ozzie beamed. "It's nice to have such friends, especially in our business. Here's the kicker. Nobody in this little plot is new. Michael Winters doesn't exist. It's been Clayface the whole time."

The trio just stared at him in shock.


	16. Chapter 16

**SpyVsTailor: You don't have to apologize for a thing, m'dear. It was kind of a filler chapter. And I agree: Batgirl/Scarecrow is kind of cool. It's a little love canoe of awesome. Perhaps one day it'll be a full-fledged ship… ^_^**

**I'm going to try ONE MORE TIME to separate story portions. If this doesn't work, well, I'm sure you can all figure it out, but it's just going to keep bothering me…**

Chapter 16

Deep in the dilapidated sewers, far under the streets of Gotham City, Clayface spoke with his crime lord master. Making himself a much smaller blob, he looked solemnly as much as he could bear at the shadowy face. "The Cat and the Penguin have united. They know that I attacked them as the Joker. I infiltrated them posing as one of their own. They intend to fight us."

"Impossible!" Came the low growl from the darkness. "They will never defeat me." He flashed a toothy fanged grin in the darkness. "Continue reconnaissance work, and report back to me when you have full knowledge of their plans."

"And what of Victor Fries? We don't know that he actually left Gotham. He could be plotting icy revenge as we speak." Murmured Clayface, bemusedly.

"I'll use his wife's bones to pick my teeth. Then I'll eat that popsicle for dessert."

Meanwhile, Barbara Gordon went to work constructing a new costume. She had wracked her brain for something appropriately villain-y.

Immediately she had discounted the tightness and cleavage of Poison Ivy or Catwoman's costumes.

She was, however, drawn to the symbolism of the Harlequin costume. Form fitting, not too much skin, and such a perfect complement to the Joker.

She rummaged through the dumpster outside of her apartment building, finding an old potato sack that would suit her purposes succinctly.

She hurried back upstairs and grabbed her sewing kit. Ironically, the sewing kit that held the very same implements for her first Batgirl costume.

Edward walked out of the Gotham Botanical gardens in utter shock, Selina trailing just behind him.

"I never expected Clayface. I just never…" He muttered repeatedly. Selina took gentle hold of one elbow, worried. This seemed to break his reverie and he turned to face her. "Eddie," She said softly, "We both know Basil isn't smart enough to pull this stunt on his own. Now think hard: Who has this kind of power over Jabba the Mudpile?"

Edward stared at her for a moment or two, before a smile stretched itself widely across his face. He grabbed his face in her hands and gave her a long lingering kiss. "Thank you!"

He positively skipped back to her apartment.

"Wait! Eddie! You didn't tell me who it is!" She called, chasing after him.

The very next evening found Jonathan Crane languishing in his cell, and thinking of how he'd gotten himself into this mess. He daydreamed off and on, tuning out the rest of the holding tank into an almost pleasant buzzing noise.

The buzzing grew louder.

He raised his head slightly to see some of the plaster falling from the ceiling. He moved out of the way just in time to avoid the large chunks of plaster as the roof collapsed. As the other criminals in the cell cowered, a rope was dropped down.

"Come On!" Yelled a familiar feminine voice. He looked up through the hole and almost fainted at the sight of a female version of himself, with red hair poking through the burlap sack of a mask.

He managed to hold tight to the rope, meagerly climbing, as she pulled with all of her considerable strength. When she finally hauled him to the roof, he just stared at her, dumbfounded.

"What do you think?" She asked, her voice all but ringing with laughter.

"I love it." Jonathan replied in awe.

Just then, searchlights flashed on them, and she heard Commissioner Gordon, her own Father, on the bullhorn. "We have the building surrounded! Put your hands up!"

Barbara sighed. "Well, I guess I've come this far." She pulled a few smoke pellets from an invisible pocket and walked slowly to the edge of the roof, hands above her head.

"ALL FEAR THE BOG WITCH!" She roared, and threw the pellets in every direction.

"The Bog Witch? Nice touch." Jonathan commented as they watched the chaos below. "I've always wanted to do that." She smiled underneath her mask, and grappled the nearest building's gargoyle to lead the two of them to escape.

When they were twelve blocks away, in relative safety, Barbara paused to catch her breath. "I've never done anything like that before! It's exhilarating! Is it always this much fun to be on the wrong side of the law?" She gasped.

Jonathan smiled and pulled her mask off, smoothing her red hair. "It is with you around." He leaned in close, so close he could smell her perfume, and feel the hitch in her breath, and Barbara leaned in, tensing for the moment…

"Jonathan! We were just coming to break you out! Looks like somebody beat us to the punch!" Drawled the voice of Edward Nygma.

_Yes. Punches and beatings._ Thought Jonathan, bitterly.

Selina took in Barbara's costume. "Look, Eddie! We have a new rogue!" Edward agreed, chuckling. "Yes, she'll be a charming addition to the gallery. Commissioner's Daughter and a former Batgirl to boot. That ought to liven this town up."

Jonathan sighed. "Where have you two been? I've been waiting!"

Edward smiled, awkwardly. "Plotting your escape. Rest assured, you were always on the front burner." He touched a hand to his temple.

Selina eyed him. "The front burner? REALLY?"

Edward shrugged and gestured as if to say, _Well, he's standing right here._ His head drooped and shoulders sagged slightly. Fine, then. The back burner." Selina nudged him with her elbow.

Edward sighed. "FINE. The oven. But that's close proximity to the stove, as far as mental kitchen appliances go. You could have been in the fridge, or thawing on the counter, but nope. You baked away in the oven. There, happy?" He looked confused at his own insane logic. "What were we talking about again?"

Selina just smiled her Cheshire grin and looked at him.

"Oh, right. Killer Croc and Clayface are working together."


	17. Chapter 17

**Sorry for the delay! It's a bit of a short chapter, but I was determined to get *something* done, just so I didn't feel like I abandoned it. Hopefully, the next update won't take so long, hm?**

Chapter 17

The four of them laid low with Ozzie for three weeks, hiding in a sub-basement of the natural history museum.

It was cramped and musty and everybody grumbled.

Edward, Jonathan, and Ozzie argued over plans to attack Killer Croc, while Selina and Barbara pointed out escape routes, fallen in sections, and likely hiding spots in the Gotham sewers.

They all argued over how best to take on Clayface.

"I'm telling you, we dry him out, and Clayface becomes Ceramicface!" Yelled Edward, slapping his hand on the table to emphasize his point.

"And how do you propose we dry him out? Are you going to be lugging a kiln through the sewers?" Asked Jonathan pointedly. "Distraction is key, just like we did with Batman at the zoo, and Clayface isn't nearly as bright."

"Fine. We distract him then. Who distracts him and who goes after Croc? We don't have that kind of manpower when we split up." Interjected Barbara. "Every time Batman fights him, he nearly loses, and that's with two sidekicks and years of martial arts training, and the study of Killer Croc. He's too big for just us to take on alone. We need more men."

"We only need one man." Selina said, with a slight smile.

"I'm surprised at you, Miss Cheivous, talking about Pammie like that." Laughed Edward.

His laughs turned into shrieks and Selina dug her claws into his still tender buttock.

"Pussycat, I hope you and I are thinking of the same man." Muttered Ozzie, cigarette clenched firmly in his teeth.

Selina just smiled and released Edward, who edged away fearfully, and backwards.

Meanwhile, Pamela Isley was looking for a new hideout. She settled on the Gotham Botanical Gardens, and came face to face with a surprise: Herself.

Immediately, both Pamelas went into attack mode. One ducked and rolled behind a bush, while the other raised vines in her direction. Pamela's venus flytraps went up against Ivy's poisoned orchids. Doppeleganger fought doppelganger, until only one Pamela walked out of the gardens, down the street and into the night.


	18. Chapter 18

**JannaKalderash: I agree! The Riddler in a relationship is a bit of a learning process. (For him as well as me!)**

**SpyVsTailor: He deserved it and we both know it, but I think Ms. Kyle will soon have a way to make it all better…**

**Sooo, the scarecrow bits are a little sappy, not very canonically scarecrow. Sorry. But I was in a fluffy mood, and he's just so cute when he's emotional… And this chapter is longer, so I feel like it evens out.**

Chapter 18

***Scarecrows***

"Are you sure he'll help us?" Asked Jonathan thoughtfully, as he and Barbara staked out the rooftops of Gotham. "He's always been a bit of a wild card, he never really cared about the rest of the rogues gallery."

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve, too. Just don't tell him I'm Batgirl." Laughed Barbara, as she settled down on a ledge, "Otherwise, we'll have a much bigger problem. The man is extremely dangerous."

"Former Batgirl." Jonathan corrected, as he set himself down gingerly, next to her. "If you go dressed as the Bog Witch, he won't know you're the same person. We could probably do a little work on your costume to make you more convincing, if you want."

Barbara looked down at her outfit. "What's wrong with my costume?" she asked, a little sadly. She'd worked hard on it, and she'd really thought that the professor would like it.

"Nothing's _wrong_ with it," remarked Jonathan, idly, "it just seems like compared to the other supervillainesses, you aren't showing nearly enough skin. They're not moral and upstanding like you are, and they love showing off. Hell, even your Batgirl costume was skin-tight."

"I've never done 'sexy' before. Not really. I was always more 'cute' than anything. I'm not even sure what to do to make it sexy."

Jonathan smiled his dark grimace of a smile. "You've honestly never seen yourself in your Batgirl costume have you?" he laughed heartily, which sounded so unlike himself. "Here, let me help you. Stand up." And before Barbara realized what was happening, he had unbuttoned all the buttons on her shirt except the one between her breasts, and looped the ends up between them daisy duke style. He pulled a small knife from his pocket and cut off the ends of the shirt as well as the collar and sleeves, making it a tight, bandeau style top, which pushed her breasts up tight, together and on display. To finish, he pulled her pants down low on her hips, and stepped back to look at his handiwork.

Barbara's face under her burlap mask was the same flame-red as her hair. She pulled the mask off, trying to cover herself up with the old potato sack. She sat down on the rooftop and curled up against the ledge as she started to cry. A concerned Jonathan sat down next to her. "I don't know what I'm doing!" she sobbed, "I went from being Batman's sidekick, to being naked on a rooftop with the Scarecrow and calling myself the 'Bog Witch.' What was I thinking?"

Jonathan rubbed her back and sighed. "You were thinking that you were a good person who was choosing the lesser of two evils to help somebody in need. Which doesn't make you a good person. It makes you a fantastic one. It's why I love you."

Barbara just stared at him with red rimmed blue eyes.

"I do love you. Make no mistake about that. Never in my life have I met someone who made me want to be a good guy. Not just a good person, but on the good side. I had a really bad childhood. I won't go into details, but it was the kind of stuff that makes you want to go out and ruin other people's lives. Eddie will agree with me on that. It's how we all got here, so God only knows what happened to the Joker. I wanted to scare people. I wanted them to be as afraid as I was. And one day, while the Bat was chasing me down the streets of Gotham, I remember seeing this gorgeous redhead, like an angel…who tackles people," he chuckled "and I decided right then and there that I never wanted to scare my angel. Whoever she was and whatever had been done to her that had made her become 'Batgirl,' I would fix it. I would make sure that she would never be afraid of anything ever again. So in a weird twisted way, I committed all of my crimes to get close to you. Which sounds really demented, now that I think about it. But I had to try something. Like I told you before, I want to get rid of people's fears. I want to help people. You were my inspiration. My angel of salvation. Everything I have done, I have done for you."

Barbara continued staring.

He sighed. "I can't corrupt you either. You're obviously uncomfortable with the idea of being permanently on the other side of the law. If you want to go back to being Batgirl, I won't stop you. If you want to stay with us, if only temporarily, you are more than welcome. I will respect and support whatever decision you make."

He stood to leave. "I'll leave you alone with your thoughts. But I expect I'll be seeing you soon, my angel. One way or another."

And with that he was gone, leaving a stunned and half naked Barbara Gordon on a Gotham city rooftop.

***Batman***

"Looks like we have a new villain in town." Mused Robin. "I guess the Scarecrow finally got himself a henchman."

"Henchwoman." Muttered Batman, distractedly. "Red hair and a grappling hook."

"Barbara." Stated Robin flatly. "But why would she help him? What would she possibly have to gain? It's not like her to just go rogue!"

"If she's helping the Scarecrow, then she's choosing the lesser of two evils. He must have come to her for help." Batman answered thoughtfully. "But who could have the Scarecrow so afraid that he goes running to Batgirl?"

"Do you think there could be any connection to the Penguin selling the Iceberg Lounge?" Asked Robin, "I don't want my girlfriend mixed up in this."

"She's not your girlfriend anymore." Said Batman as he stood up and headed towards the Batmobile. "Come on. We're going to give a little behind-the-scenes help."

***Riddles and the Kitty***

"I don't understand the plan." Said Ozzie for what had to be the hundredth time, rather wearily.

"It's very simple! Let me explain it one more time-" Began Edward exasperatedly, before Selina cut him off. "I'll explain it to him. If I hear it one more time, I'll explode. Why don't you go make some tea?"

"Explode? Right here in front of everybody? My, we are kinky today!" Edward grinned crookedly at her.

Selina resisted the urge to swipe him with her claws. She turned back to Ozzie.

"Explode?" asked Ozzie, pointedly. He waggled his eyebrows.

"Riddles…" Selina warned.

"I'm going to go for a walk." Edward announced suddenly, "I fear she'll give up on my tenderized bottom and go for my frontal bits."

Ozzie turned a laugh into a cough.

"I'm going to go back to my apartment and take a nap." At Ozzie's inquiring look, she added "No explosions!"

"I told pam to find you when her vines mature. She might drop by." Selina nodded and raised a hand as she walked to the door.

"I'd love to see *that* explosion."

Selina gave him a dangerous look.

The door clicked shut.

"She still didn't tell me the plan. What will I tell Mr. Freeze?"

***CROC***

Killer Croc paced his tiny corner of the sewers impatiently, waiting for Clayface to return. He finally gave up, and decided to take care of business himself…


	19. Chapter 19

**First off: Reviews!**

**Darknessinshadows: Aw! Thank you! *blush***

**Second: I fixed something in the last chapter, so you may want to reread. (The ending)**

**Third: The last chapter was a bit off. I know. But we're back on track now, I think. Rocking and Rolling. Let's get this show on the road. Full steam ahead. Land-Ho matey, arrrr! I'm… running out of phrases. But you get the idea.**

Chapter 19

*Selina*

Selina ran across the rooftops, winding her way to her apartment. She could have walked, or taken a cab, or a bus, but she enjoyed the thrill that leaping across the tops of buildings afforded her. She crossed over the gap between the Schreck building, (which was now largely abandoned) and the Gotham Broadcasting Corporation complex, swinging and slinging her way home.

She was passing the Ace Chemicals building when she noticed something odd…

Poison Ivy wandering aimlessly through the streets of Gotham.

Selina crouched low on the top of the building, peering over the ledge as Pamela Isley wandered Gotham, seeming almost confused about her surroundings, and randomly choking people with her vines. An open attack seemed so unlike her.

She immediately recalled the attempted sexual assault by the "Joker" and headed to her apartment, to make a few phone calls.

*Edward*

Edward went for a leisurely stroll around the streets of Gotham, working on his plan to divide Clayface and Killer Croc to his advantage. He mused on heading to Metropolis to retrieve the Joker, or at least giving Harley Quinn the chance to avenge her 'man,' even if the Joker did only treat her slightly better than the gum stuck to his shoe. He paused and studied the surrounding buildings. Perhaps a nap was in order.

Or a shower. The smell was becoming pungent.

He began to climb the fire escape, yawning briefly, when he felt a tug on his pant leg. He looked down into a pair of startling green eyes peering out from an unruly red halo of hair.

*Selina*

Selina climbed up her fire escape and leapt through her bedroom window. She had barely picked up the phone when she heard a sound behind her. She spun on her heel, wielding her corded bedroom phone like her bolas.

Eddie caught the phone in midair.

Eddie, who as far as Selina was concerned, had no reflexes or fighting skills that she was aware of.

Eddie, who was now holding the phone with a hardened glint in his eye.

In the darkened room, Eddie's eyes seemed to glitter almost green, as he slowly advanced on her, phone still tightly clenched in his hand. Selina, seeing her chance, leapt across the bed and slid out the window, heading straight back for the museum, nearly flying across the rooftops. She didn't stop until she reached the museum.

*Eddie*

Eddie set out from Selina's apartment in a rage, determined more than ever to find Mr. Freeze. After his near escape from "Pam" (He still hadn't determined if she was the real thing.), he had run straight to Selina's apartment, to make sure she was okay. She'd been calling someone, obviously terrified, and then she had _attacked_ him?

Edward Nygma realized his folly. Selina had been in on the Killer Croc plot from the beginning. The "Joker's" raid on the GCPD building, she had been there. "Joker" invading his home, she had been there. He'd been distracted by her presence.

He realized his biggest mistake.

He had let himself believe that Selina Kyle would ever love Edward Nygma.

She'd played him for a fool. And Edward Nygma was no fool.

He pickpocketed a cellphone from a passing businessman, and stepped into an alley to re-rig the weather app to find the coldest point in Gotham.

He'd stop Croc and Clayface himself, if it killed him. And then he was going to take his sweet time killing Selina Kyle.

***Batman***

Batman had searched the city for clues of the little gang, while Robin staked out Barbara's apartment.

Robin had to restrain himself when Barbara came home in her new criminal costume.

He radioed Batman: "She's home. What's next?"

"Wait until she leaves again, and then follow her. I don't want to alert a group of criminals to our presence. She could end up being hurt or killed."

Robin sighed as he watched Barbara look timidly into the mirror, admiring her newly altered 'Bog Witch' costume. She smiled suddenly, as if remembering something.

She strode to the window, hopped out onto the fire escape and headed east.

Robin sighed again and grappled quickly across the rooftops to keep up with her.

***Killer Croc***

Killer Croc wandered through the Gotham sewers. You could go anywhere in Gotham in the sewers. And you could smell everything.

Croc was on the search for his enemies.

"_I will rule Gotham, undisputed."_ He thought as he stomped through the sludge.

He stopped and sniffed upwards. He smelled something better than Gotham's evilest.

He could smell Batman.

He grinned his horrible, sharp-toothed, crocodile grin, and headed upwards through the manhole, on the hunt for the Dark Knight.

***Penguin***

Ozzie looked up in surprise as Selina came barreling through the door, barring it behind her and piling up as much furniture and as many crates as she could.

"What's going on, my dear?" He asked nervously, puffing on his cigarette.

Selina whirled around. "Pam's not Pam and she's got Eddie, and Eddie's the Riddler, and I was Harley, but now I'm not and now Batgirl is the Bog Witch and she's banging the friggin' Scarecrow, and if we find Freeze, he will kill us ALL!"

She paused to take several deep and rapid breaths as she sunk down a wall onto the floor.

Ozzie just stared at her.

Selina panted, meeting his eyes.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**AAAAAAANNNDDD We're back! Lots of work and lots of school and no time for Batman, sadly. But I was thinking of him… It's short, yes, but I wanted to get something out there. Next one will be longer!**

**Zora Ozbourne- Of course he will. Eddie just needs time to Riddle it all out!**

**SpyVsTailor- Things be a-happening for sho! Hope you like it!**

***Killer Croc***

Killer Croc leaped up through the manhole cover onto a deserted street on the outskirts of town. He looked around in mild confusion. His senses had never failed him before. Batman _had_ been here, very recently. He could smell Robin, too, and even small traces of Batgirl. He walked a little ways down the road and the smell only got stronger. He rounded a curve in the road and saw it, shining like a beacon:

Wayne Manor.

At last, he was going to do what no Gotham criminal ever could, and he would be legendary in this town, even more so than he was now.

He was going to kill the Bat, his sidekicks, and take out the pretty boy persona that Batman hid behind.

He chuckled low in his throat as he made his way stealthily up to the mansion, keeping a wary reptilian eye out for sensor alarms and defense systems. He'd never put anything past the Bat.

***Batgirl***

Barbara Gordon bounded across rooftops in her new Bog Witch costume, feeling an odd sense of freedom that her Batgirl costume didn't seem to afford her. In her black leather and cape, she had always felt a pervasive sense of justice, like a supercop. But her Bog Witch costume just felt like freedom. No one could tell her what to say or do in this outfit, not Bruce, not her Father. Just Barbara. And keeping with the theme of uber-late teenage rebellion, Barbara decided it was time to cause a little destruction.

She was passing the Ace Chemicals plant when she noticed something unusual.

Poison Ivy, in full aggressor mode, attacking every citizen in sight.

Barbara perched on a nearby rooftop, surveying the situation. She was rebellious, not dumb. Finally, she shrugged her shoulders, pulled on her mask, and joined in the fun, completely unaware of Robin, hiding on a fire escape on a cattycorner rooftop.

***Robin***

Dick Grayson squirmed in his hiding place, wanting to go rescue his wayward ex-girlfriend. He flinched every time Pamela's vines whipped too close, as she threw gas grenades and smashed windows. But he remained glued to his spot because he couldn't believe what he saw next.

Poison Ivy, practically floating down the street due to the support of her vines, threw her head back and her halo of red hair seemed to double almost spontaneously in growth. It wrapped around her body like a cocoon.

Suddenly, a crack in the street gave way, and a giant Venus Flytrap erupted from the sewers beneath to swallow Ivy whole.

A second one followed, just a few feet away, followed by a third, and a fourth. They were everywhere, grabbing people, and swallowing them.

Suddenly, Dick noticed that Barbara was missing.

***Edward***

Edward fumed his way across the Gotham rooftops. It all seemed so clear to him now. All she got out of their relationship was a quick bang, and someone to lay down their life for her, so she could escape Killer Croc. And what did he get out of it? He got to sleep with the infamous Cat, and he would die before he ever got the chance to brag about it. He cursed himself, cursed _her_ for interrupting his thoughts the way she did.

He thought feverishly about all the things he would do to her. He would throw her off a building to see if she could land on her feet, he'd test her aversion to water by drowning her, he'd poison her treats, spay her, and when he was done, he'd bury her in kitty litter.

Edward was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed when the alarm on the phone began to beep. It had found the coldest point in Gotham.

He stood in front of an old water tower on the outskirts of the city, which had curious bits of icicles hanging from the ladder.

***Selina***

Selina took a deep breath as Ozzie stared at her, and spoke again:

"Pam isn't herself. She's got control of her vines, so it's definitely her and not Clayface, but I'm guessing he's infected her somehow. She's attacking people on the street. Eddie was waiting for me in my apartment, and he tried to attack me, so I think maybe she's used a hefty dose of her pheromones on him. Batgirl is dating Jonathan Crane of all people and she switched sides to be the new Bog Witch that you've been hearing about. God help me, I don't even know how any of that happened. And Victor will kill us all just to keep Nora alive, if he finds out what's been going on around here. But we have to keep Pam and Eddie OUT.

Ozzie nodded and smiled, and sat down next to her.

"It took a lot of effort to figure out how to corrupt Pamela. And I won't have you mucking it all up."

He wrapped his fingers around her neck and squeezed.


	21. Chapter 21

***Chapter 21***

***Selina***

Selina gasped for air as Ozzie's fingers clenched around her throat. In a flash, he was sitting on top of her, holding her down both hands squeezing her airway closed, and face clenched into a grimace. She couldn't move her legs. Desperately, she tried clawing at his face, and succeeded in knocking his monocle off. The world began to shimmer slightly and then go dark. She never heard the door being kicked in, nor the struggle as Batman threw Ozzie across the room. He checked her vital signs, then handcuffed the furious and sputtering Penguin and took them both out to the Batmobile.

***Batman***

Batman silenced the Penguin's outraged protests with a swift knockout punch to the head. He laid Selina in the backseat and propped the criminal tycoon up in the passenger seat. He drove straight to the Gotham Police Headquarters, where Jim Gordon was waiting. It seemed Arkham was missing another patient. Bruce sighed inwardly. _Maybe it's time I joined the hospital board._

He kept quiet about having the notorious Catwoman in custody. If there was a situation, she would be more compliant in questioning than Cobblepot.

As he drove back to the Batcave, he eyed her unconscious form in the rearview mirror, wondering what she'd been up to. He'd missed her terribly. Unfortunately, now was not the time to catch up.

He pressed a button on the dash that opened a secret door in the rock and let him into the Batcave. He drove through, not noticing the figure that slipped in behind him, as he received a call from Robin.

***Robin***

Dick Grayson could sit on the sidelines no longer. He pressed a finger to his ear and radioed Batman. "Poison Ivy has gone off her rocker. Better get down to the Ace Chemical building."

With that, he jumped into the fray. As he rappelled down the side of the building, someone else threw a gas grenade.

Fear Gas.

He began to choke. Suddenly, the fierce snapping Venus Flytraps below weren't plants anymore. They were snakes, big ones. Smaller snakes covered the ground below like a furiously writhing carpet. He held onto the rope for dear life, only to realize it wasn't a rope. He screamed and fell, and as he fell, he heard other people screaming. His parents were falling alongside him.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE US?" screamed his mother.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED US OR YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED WITH US!" bellowed his father.

They hit the ground. Dick shakily raised himself onto his elbows and looked around. His parents lay on either side of him, bloody and cold, and still in their costumes. They began to moan and writhe, flopping about like fish out of water. The ground split again, and another giant snake rose from beneath the cement and swallowed him whole.

***Scarecrow***

Jonathan Crane leapt into action. He ducked and rolled around the Venus Flytraps, throwing gas grenade after gas grenade. He didn't know if it had any effect on the mutant plants. He didn't particularly care.

He had been watching from Robin's opposite rooftop. He had enjoyed watching Pamela go nuts for a bit, then had been immensely entertained by Barbara getting in on the action_. She really does have fantastic fighting skills_. He had been considering making popcorn just before the Flytraps came out. It took him mere seconds after watching the lovely redhead get swallowed whole to dig through his bag and pull out every weapon at his disposal. He slashed through stem after stem with his scythe, cutting down plants and freeing the people inside. With every step he got closer to Barbara, but as he cut, the plants began to wither and shake. He heard Ivy scream, and the sound appeared to be coming from everywhere. The Flytraps began to retreat back into the earth. He dove in after them, and landed to a strange sight.

Pamela's vines had completely overtaken the sewers. There was nothing but green in any direction, and people were emerging from the Flytraps. Every one of them had greenish skin and a vine attached to their stomach like some sort of freakish umbilical cord. They all wandered around the sewers and gazed with childlike wonder at the vines covering the walls. One touched the vine and stroked it with his greenish finger. The vine reached out and nuzzled his cheek.

Three of the Flytraps had yet to open.

The ones that had swallowed Robin, Barbara, and Poison Ivy.

***Selina***

Selina began to awaken as Bruce was tying her to a chair. She begged for help, she pleaded, she struggled and thrashed, but it fell on deaf ears.

"You aren't going anywhere. And when I get back, we are going to have a long talk."

He got in the Batmobile and headed for the Ace Chemical building to help Robin.

Selina continued to struggle with her bonds. She heard a deep, throaty chuckle behind her.

Killer Croc stepped into the light. He bent down and sniffed her. "Catwoman. I have waited for this day. No Riddler to save you this time."

His tongue snaked out between his scaly fanged jaws and licked her cheek.

"No Batman either."

Her arms struggled behind her back. The knots were starting to give! _Finally! Something Bruce didn't do well._

"You will beg for death by the end."

She worked both arms free and smacked Croc across the face. He stepped back in shock as she performed a kind of sitting backflip and broke the chair. She was free!

She was also really pissed off.

She flew around that Batcave like a cat out of hell. She couldn't beat him on her own, but she could keep him occupied until Batman returned.

She performed flying scissor kicks, rapid fire punches, she wielded what was left of the rope as a whip. She finished by perching on a high outcrop of rocks, out of sight.

Killer Croc raged below. "I have your scent, Catwoman!" He threw things at the walls. Whenever he turned around, she would throw something at the back of his head and then move to another rocky outcrop. To be honest, she was beginning to enjoy this.

***Riddler***

Edward knocked on the trapdoor cautiously. He heard no response. He threw open the door and then immediately scooted back, nearly losing his footing on the top of the water tower.

"Fries? It's Edward Nygma"

No response.

"I come in peace!"

Still nothing.

He peeked inside.

There was equipment there, as well as Nora Fries, Victor's beloved wife, frozen in all of her icy beauty. He hopped inside, and approached Nora curiously. He'd never really seen her up close. He put a hand on the ice, pondering just what it would be like to love someone as much as these two did. And to have that love returned. He felt a twinge of jealousy. _Selina…_

He was interrupted from his reverie by the sound of someone entering the water tower.

He ducked behind Nora just in time, as an icy blast hit the wall next to where his head was.

"Victor! I come in peace!"

"Breaking and entering is hardly considered peaceful. And I do not consider touching Nora in any way to be a positive step for you, Nygma." Came the cold, metallic reply.

"Victor, Please! I need your help!"

The iceman paused. "Come out with your hands up, and I promise to hear you out before I kill you."

Edward stepped cautiously out from behind the frozen woman. "That sounds fair, I suppose."

"No jokes."

Edward kept his hands up. "Killer Croc is out to kill us all. He wants to be the only kingpin in the underworld. He has Clayface on his side, as well as Catwoman. He has run Ozzie out of the Iceberg Lounge. He may be why the Joker has run to Metropolis. I haven't heard a thing from Dent, Black Mask or Jaws, so I don't know what might've happened to them. Jonathan Crane and Batgirl are the only people I know I can trust."

Fries lowered his weapon for a second, and then quickly raised it back.

"Batgirl? If you have the protection of that ridiculous Bat and his friends, then why do you need me?"

"No Batman. Just her. Or as you might've seen her on the news lately in her brand new persona: The Bog Witch."

Fries actually chuckled. At least Edward thought it might've been a chuckle. It was a weird metallic, raspy sound.

He decided it was a chuckle. He laughed as well. "Oh, it gets better. Guess who she's dating? None other than our darling Scarecrow."

Fries out and out laughed heartily. "Oh, Nygma. I needed that."

He gestured toward a chair. "Sit down and tell me everything."

***Batman***

Batman arrived on the scene near the Ace Chemical building. He couldn't believe his eyes. Pamela had been capable of busting windows, sure. Her vines could certainly cover a city building. But destroying the street? She had never been that powerful. He radioed Robin.

"Robin, where are you? Robin, come in Robin. Do you read me?"

After several minutes without a response, he cautiously approached ground level. He noticed something in one of the giant cracks. _People?_ He jumped in.

He landed right next to the Scarecrow. "Don't move." Muttered the fear-master.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

***Whew* Wasn't sure if I'd make it! This one is short, but I think it gets most of my point across, in a weird, altruistic, netherworld of alternate universiveness and alternate personaeishness. Or as I like to call it, Chapter 22…**

**Onitsu Blackfeather: Yes…comedy… :-p . So for now, the out of character stuff stays, but I feel it's interesting to see the side of them we don't get to see in the comics. I'm sure they all have a soft and mushy side. (I considered a chapter on Bane and his love for a basket of kittens, but the latest movie soured me on the big lug. *sigh*) But like you said, it's all for the best! And one day, I will probably do something grittier, but not for a long while yet…**

**Overseerneversleeps: Thank you again! You gave me the push I needed to get back to writing this! I'm a lazy woman…**

***Batman***

Batman gazed in wonder at the plant children gathered en masse in the Gotham sewers.

"Have you ever seen Poison Ivy do anything like this before?" whispered Jonathan. "I've never seen her make plant people out of _people_."

Batman raised his right hand and stroked his chin. "The only time I've seen her cause this much destruction was when she was infected with Titan on Arkham Island. She hasn't been this strong in years. Where's Batgirl and Robin?"

The Fearmaster, finally terrified out of his wits, raised a shaky finger and pointed at the huge Venus Flytraps fifteen feet away. "They're in there. With her."

Batman's mind sprang into action like a steel trap. "Do you have any of those gas grenades left?"

"Way ahead of you," Muttered Jonathan, pulling his mask back down over his face.

"Don't you dare gas my babies!" Came a stern voice from behind them. They both whirled around to come face to face with Poison Ivy. Jonathan did a double take, flashing a glance at the Flytrap that he was sure he saw swallowed her.

"Let them go, Pamela." Batman ordered, preparing for a fight.

"That's not her." Muttered Jonathan over his shoulder. He pulled the scythe he carried from the sling across his back, and stepped in front of Batman into a warrior stance. "Hello, Basil. Did you have a nice time impersonating Ivy and learning our plans? How about Penguin, was he in on it too?"

"Cobblepot's in charge. He's using Croc to mow down the competition. Then he's gonna re-endanger his species. But you just had to become the Bats' cheerleaders, didn't you? Couldn't leave well enough alone. And for what? So the two of you could get some tail? You really think that Batgirl would ever fall for a miserable sack of crap like you?" Clayface laughed hard, still in the guise of Pamela Isley, except her voice was Basil's. "I suppose I do have to thank you for one thing, though, _Scarecrow_. Now I'll get to kill her and the whole Bat family, too." Basil/Ivy laughed again, a little hysterically.

And then Basil/Ivy froze.

Literally.

The Riddler dropped in, swinging from a rope. "I love playing hero, it is so choice. And the timing totally befits my genius, don't you think? Too cunning for mere mortals to-" He stopped mid-sentence upon seeing Batman. He started frantically trying to scramble up the rope, and failing spectacularly, tangling himself up until he hung upside down by one foot, hair just brushing the frozen block of ice containing Clayface.

Victor Fries dropped down beside him, metal suit clanking and gears whirling. Upon seeing each other, He and Batman dropped into battle stances. Batman held strong, batarang gripped on one hand ready to throw. Jonathan Crane stepped in, shielding Batman. "We're all on the same side, Victor. You know what it's like to lose someone you love. Help us."

Both Batman and Mr. Freeze gave him suspicious stares, eyes narrowed and flicking back and forth from him to each other. Freeze guns and batarangs were lowered as the two enemies reluctantly decided to call a temporary truce. "I will have to kill you another time, Batman." Batman nodded and replied "and I would be glad to make sure your new Arkham cell has no air conditioning whatsoever."

Edward sighed, the blood rushing to his face. "Hey, you know what would be a good bonding exercise? Cutting your old pal Edward down."

Obligingly, Batman threw the batarang that had been clenched in his hand at the rope holding up Edward.

Edward stood up quickly, brushing off his suit and smirking like nothing had happened. " Now here's the real riddle. How do we get them out of there?" He eyed the Flytraps nervously, which had begun to pulsate and glow slightly.

***Catwoman***

Killer Croc was getting more and more impatient. He stalked around the Batcave, destroying everything he could get his hands on. He smashed the medical supplies to bits, flinging the surgical table across the cave. The BatGlider was torn to shreds, under wiring ripped out and the engine crushed by massive crocodile claws. The Batcomputer was reduced to unrecognizable pieces of metal, as computer chips were strewn about the room and wiring ripped out of the wall. When everything in the room was destroyed, he started pulling the lights from the ceiling with a toothy crocodile grin. The room was bathed in darkness, permeated only by sparks from all the wiring Croc had destroyed. Selina flipped her goggles back down over her eyes and peered into the darkness. She looked around for a few minutes and couldn't find Croc. She moved from one rocky outcrop to another, scanning the walls, scanning the cave floor. He was gone.

Suddenly, a massive clawed hand shot out and grabbed her ankle, pulling her from the rock ledge. She felt herself falling to the cave floor below, and saw Croc diving after her, mouth agape and drooling, tongue lolling out of his mouth, ready for an entrée of Catwoman.

What he did not count on, was that while cats are generally well known for landing on their feet, crocodiles are not. Selina tucked and rolled, mere nanoseconds before Croc hit the cave floor so hard that he cracked the stone. He groaned and attempted to push himself up on his elbows, while Selina, seeing her chance, grabbed a microchip from the Batglider, and ran for the outside entrance to the cave. He groaned and tried to drag himself after her on his belly, but was in too much pain to get very far. She managed to make it out the door and hightailed her vinyl-suited body down the street. Just when she thought her luck was about to turn around-

She was struck by a car.

A very _expensive_ car.

Driven by a very confused Alfred Pennyworth, who had gone into town for groceries.

Alfred hurried out of the car and knelt down by her side, pulling a cell phone from his pocket and speedily dialing 911. He pulled the goggles from her face and cradled her upper body in his arms. "Ms. Kyle, where does it hurt? The ambulance will be here soon!"

"Everywhere." She managed to mutter. She reached up with one hand and grabbed the collar of Alfred's jacket.

"Killer Croc… in the Batcave… he's in the Batcave…" She was gasping for air, shock absorbing into her body

Alfred looked down into her anxious green eyes, confused. "How could Killer Croc get into the Batcave?"

"He's in there… destroyed…everything." The gasps came harder now, breathing hurt so _bad._

He stared down at her. "Where's Batman?"

"Batman's downtown… Poison Ivy…" She was running out of oxygen now, her nine lives were up, she just knew it.

She clutched harder at Alfred. "Tell him…to go…easy… on Eddie. He's not… himself." Her last sentence was so hard. "Tell… Eddie… I lo-"

Everything went black, and the pain began to melt away.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

**All right. I said I would do it, and I've done it, and it's done. Chapter 23, the best chapter I've written today! OK. It's the only chapter I've written today. Doesn't mean I can't be proud! Anyway, I think this'll tide you over until I get a proper chapter written! (Plot devices and everything! No tricks!)**

Selina Kyle was standing in the middle of a dark, dank, and dimly lit alleyway. There was slushy gray snow on the ground, and the air stank. She shivered and reached for the pull on her suit, trying to shut out the cold.

She touched bare skin.

Realizing she was completely naked in a back alley, she pushed on, daring anyone to attack her before she found shelter. She came across two doors, directly across from each other.

The first was imposing, a heavy oak door, painted black, with large, ornate engravings that had been plated in gold. The door knocker was a solid gold bat. For all its impressiveness, the door had a very simple lock, the kind you saw on doors over 100 years ago. An old fashioned keyhole lock, and she could even see the gold and black decorated room inside. She found a stick, a twig really, lying on the ground. She pushed it in and tempered the lock, and within seconds she heard a click. She pushed on the door.

Nothing.

She pushed harder, pushing with all of her might. She kicked at the door, trying desperately to get it to open, to break that beautiful door down.

It didn't budge.

She turned and looked at the other door. She approached it with caution, noting its shabby appearance. It was a flimsy old door that had once been painted green, flecks of it still left on the door. It inexplicably had a series of several overly complicated looking locks. One had an electronic retinal scanner, another was a combination lock comprised of letters. The third was a gel handprint scanner. Looking down, she noted two deadbolts, a padlock, and an electronic security code. She looked up in frustration, noticing the cats in the window above, warm and cozy on their sills. As she was about to walk away, nakedness be damned, she noticed something else.

In the upper center of the door, where the peephole should be, was a tiny gold question mark. She looked back at the large black door, the bat seeming so familiar from its perch. She looked at the tiny mark again, and brushed her fingers over it, trying to remember why it was so important to her.

The door pushed right open at her touch, as though it had no locks at all.

She stepped cautiously inside.

The room behind the mysterious security door had faded green embroidered wallpaper, peeling in the corner. The dark gray carpet was threadbare in places. There was a brown sofa in the middle of the room and everything was covered in cat hair. An old blanket was folded nicely and laid across the back of the sofa. Somehow, the room had a homey feeling, despite its unfortunate appearance.

Selina quickly picked up the blanket to cover herself, and set off about the house. One of the cats from the upstairs window appeared, entwining itself around her legs. The other one appeared nudging her, pointing her in the direction of the stairs. They both darted up ahead, pausing only a moment to look back at her, before disappearing into the inky blackness.

She followed after a minute, padding silently up the steps. She prayed the owners weren't home.

_Maybe I can find some clothes_…

Upstairs, she found that all the doors had similar locks to the front door. But every single one swung open at her touch. And every one bore that tiny gold question mark in the center of the door. She opened the closets and drawers and found… nothing.

In the bathroom she found a white button down shirt and a pair of boxers lying on the floor. Desperate, she picked them up and put them on. As she was buttoning up the shirt, she caught a whiff of something, a bit like leather and paper. But when she put her nose to the collar, the scent was gone.

She exited the bathroom and noticed a room she had missed the first time. The master bedroom. The cats were sitting outside the door, as though waiting for her.

As she got near the door, she heard small snuffling sounds.

She pressed her ear to the door.

A little boy was crying.

She tapped on the door. "Are you okay in there?" she called.

The crying continued, and there was no answer.

She knocked again, but there was still no reply. She jiggled the knob.

It was the only locked door in the entire house.

She pressed her forehead to the door, and tried again.

"Are you all alone?"

She put a palm on the door, on the question mark near her face.

"You shouldn't be alone."

She turned sideways, and slid down the doorframe, settling on the floor.

"No one should be alone." She muttered, laying her head against the door. She shut her eyes for a brief moment.

When she opened them, she was lying in a hospital bed.

Alfred, who had been sitting by her bedside, leapt to his feet. "You're awake!" He exclaimed in awe. "Just a few broken ribs and a bump on the noggin. A few days rest and you'll be good as new." He beamed at her.

"Killer Croc?" she asked, looking up nervously.

"Ah, yes. Well, unfortunately, the police shot him as he came charging down the road looking for you. It seems we'll have one less supercriminal to worry about."

"At least until someone worse comes along." She muttered.

His smile fell slightly. "That always does seem to be the case in this city. But I feel that our, ah, mutual friend will be up to the challenge." He sighed, seeing her crestfallen face. "On the outs again, are we?"

She gave him a wan smile. Whatever happened between Bruce and herself, Selina had always held a special place in her heart for Alfred. "I'm sorry, Alfred. I just have trouble calling anyone who ties me up and leaves me for that monster a 'friend.' Same goes for Eddie, except he used me first."

"Surely you don't mean that, Miss Kyle. Why, Batman is working with several of your comrades right now to free Robin and Batgirl from the clutches of Poison Ivy."

Her eyes widened and she struggled to sit up, wincing in pain. Alfred vainly tried to push her back down on the bed. She fought him.

"No Alfred! It's a trap!"


End file.
